2007 Ogden City General Election Voter Guide

E-Z "no brainer" solutions to the candidate selection process (Parody)

Dear Friends,

I’ve been feeling pretty good lately, and I would like to express my appreciation to you for the primary election results. As you probably know, the mayor trounced both his opponents: Neil Hansen by a whopping 2:1 margin, and Susan VanHooser by a blistering 241 votes. All told, he won a cool 40% of the vote.

Now that some time has passed from the mayor's landslide victory, I thought I might use this forum to offer a little advice to my preferred city council candidates, and briefly mention the others.

Council Seat A

Vote for: Blain Johnson. Some of you who’ve seen Blain’s campaign flyers might feel you’ve seen him somewhere before. Well, Blain is a lawyer and is rumored have a twin brother named Roger who works at the San Diego aquarium. This may account for why he is so sensitive about lawyer jokes. But if you look closely at the smiles, and especially at the eyes, you can see why people think they’ve seen Blain somewhere before. Blain is also a board member of my Ogden Community Foundation, where we make real estate transactions for the city. For instance, my foundation took the AmCan building off the city’s hands, and then sold it to John Peddie for $3 million. Then, Peddie came right back to the city for $1.6 million in tax increment subsidies. Guess who their attorney was? That’s right! It was Blain Johnson! Does this guy know how to cover both ends of a deal or what? Just think, if you elect him to the city council he’ll have that end covered too! Blain and “Roger the shark” definitely have at least one thing in common: When something drifts by them, they both know how to sink in their teeth and tear off a nice chunk for themselves!

Don’t vote for: Shiela Aardema. She’s the wife of Ralph Aardema, who used to be principal of Ben Lomond High School and a Stake President. Sheila has a long list of public service she has performed, and she says she wants to be honest and open in government, and form consensus. Sounds naïve, doesn’t she?

Council Seat C

Vote for: Royal Eccles. I know you’re all glad to hear that the mayor is taking the sale of the golf course and surrounding land “off the table” for this election, which leaves my man Eccles feeling a little unbalanced. You see, he signed his name to a petition that would have led to the golf course being sold to Chris Peterson, even before Chris asked for it! You can see his name listed alphabetically on the petition, by clicking here. He even built an upcoming campaign flyer around his support for selling the golf course as you can see in the photo. You people who were worried about what would happen after Chris Peterson bulldozed all that land and the canyon winds hit it, should have realized that “Dusty” Eccles had a plan all ready for you! But for some reason, in the primary results, he didn’t carry his own neighborhood. It seems a majority of the people who know Eccles best didn’t vote for him. Of course, it’s a little embarrassing for him now that the mayor has changed his golf course position, but think of it this way: Where else can I find a man who makes snap, imprudent decisions with absolutely no information, and signs his name to it? Well, that’s the kind of knee jerk obedience I can use on the city council! And while some may think he’s rich, he’s not. He comes from the poorer side of the Eccles family. But if you’ve seen all his campaign signs, you can tell he still knows how throw money around like it grows on trees. Who does that remind you of? His proven track record of freehanded spending is just another in a list of reasons why Dusty Eccles will be perfect on the city council.

Don’t vote for: Amy Wicks. She is running on a platform of hard work, experience on the council, and a track record of listening to the public. Whoa, Nellie! Get out the honey glaze! She’s done!

Municipal Ward 4

Vote for: Kent Petersen. Kent is another visionary who urged the city to sell the golf course, even before Chris Peterson submitted a plan, or even asked for it! Click here. This deep thinker is one of the most famous people in Ogden. Everyone remembers him from various “roles” he has played over the years. And focusing on Kent’s present helps us to forget his past, like how he was bilked by con man Wayne Ogden. Kent, who once owned Petersen Motors, is now reduced to donning a captain’s hat and running a boat store. But now that he’s also running for city council, I suggest we forget his mistakes and focus on a cheerful campaign slogan like, “Keep your chin up, Skipper!” I’d love to see this yes-man doing the mayor's bidding on the council. But Kent, when you get on the council I’d appreciate it if you’d quit calling the mayor your “little buddy.”

Don’t vote for: Caitlin Gochnour. She’s a marathon runner with a long resume of public service. She says she wants to save open space, repair infrastructure, and reduce crime, which shows her inexperience in government. Caitlin doesn’t see the value of Ogden’s weekly killings, shootings, and gunplay, all while people are paying good money to see shootouts in places like Tombstone, Arizona and Knotts Berry Farm! Earth to Caitlin: Think tourism!

Mayor’s Race.

Vote for: Mayor Godfrey. If you haven’t learned by now how hard he's been working for you, click here and have a look at page 124. (I mean the page with “124” written on the actual page. Look at the table entitled “Ogden City Ratios of Outstanding Debt by Type”. ) Take a look at the column marked “Total Primary Government,” and you will see we’ve gone from $55 million in debt in 2003, to $93 million in 2006. If you want to know how to make things in a city look good, this is how. You have to spend a lot of borrowed money, fast, and that takes HARD WORK! And those figures don’t even include the final cost for the Salomon Center! Now that’s momentum!

Don’t vote for: Susan VanHooser. She has a lifelong record of public service and leadership in a variety of areas. She says she wants to find common ground and bring common sense back to government. Susan, when you have your dinner tonight, try dishing yourself a few less helpings of BORING.

In Summary:

So on the one hand is ther mayor's team of MEN – good herd followers and lapdogs that Mayor Godfrey can count on to do his bidding without thinking. So I say to all my fellow men out there: Do what I tell you, and get out there and vote for your own kind – a bunch of other MEN – with good, American-sounding names:

Matt Godfrey
Blain “Gills” Johnson,
Royal “Dusty” Eccles, and
Kent “Skipper” Petersen.

And then go home and tell your womenfolk to vote the same way (or tell them to stay home), before they vote for a bunch of WOMEN candidates, who will waste time asking for opinions, weighing issues, and using their judgment like women always do. I’m talking about VanHooser, Aardema, Wicks, and Gochnour. (What kind of names are those anyway?)


It should be easy enough for you to decide. The election is November 6.