Ogden City Primary Election Voter’s Guide for 2009

Weber County Forum Special Guest Commentary - (Parody) 

Dear Friends,

I, your mayor, have been on a roll lately. I just got the tax increment for downtown extended, so I have School taxes and County taxes I can bond against for twelve more years. The depleted borrowing capacity of Ogden City can no longer stop my vision.

Plus, I have the city council lined up to vote for my new water tanks at 36th Street so I can build my gargantuan motel and condo project at the golf course, paid for by city water bills.

Just like all little piglets know – when I suck one teat dry, I just find myself another one!

Anyway, now that I have the water rate payers covering the cost of my golf course “handoff” and construction project, I’ve been able to start calling contractors to do the deal for me. As you can see from the expression on my face, I’m getting some very favorable responses! I’m glad to say that even in today’s economy, there are still plenty of contractors and bankers who are willing to take a big chunk of “public nuisance” land off my hands for next to nothing!

But I’m getting off track. Today I wanted to let you know about the people running for city council, while showcasing my own personal favorites. I even utilized the help of my business development office, to give these recommendations a professional quality. So without further adieu, please consider my recommendations.

At Large Seat B – David “Alfred E” Phipps

David’s nickname is “Alfred E” because that’s what everyone called him when he was a kid. This race is so important to me I had a campaign portrait commissioned for him (with his tie straightened). Like everything I do, I think it turned out rather well, don’t you?

“Alfred E” Phipps is very sensitive to Ogden issues. You can see for yourself in his letter to the editor, where he refers to Ogden as an “armpit” and an “unsafe place”.

No wonder he chose to have his business office located in Layton! So the next time you’re in Layton to get away from the drive-by shootings in Ogden, stop in, and tell him “Hi”. His address and real estate profile are here.

In his letter to the editor, you’ll notice he also did a super job of lying about all the debt that I’ve piled on, and made it sound like you taxpayers would never have to pay for any of it! He wrote his letter 2 years ago to help me get re-elected, and since then, taxpayers have been paying through the nose for the Salomon Center debt!

Now I know you people keep knocking me on my record. But notice that Alfred E not only has a keen sense of how bad things look after ten years of ME as mayor, but he supports me anyway. No wonder I love him! He’s loyal! Vote for “Alfred E” Phipps!


In his letter to the editor, you’ll notice he also did a super job of lying about all the debt that I've piled on, and made it sound like you taxpayers would never have to pay for any of it! He wrote his letter 2 years ago to help me get re-elected, and since then, taxpayers have been paying through the nose for the Salomon Center debt!

Now I know you people keep knocking me on my record. But notice that Alfred E not only has a keen sense of how bad things look after ten years of me as mayor, but he supports me anyway. No wonder I love him! He’s loyal! Vote for “Alfred E” Phipps!

Municipal Ward 1 – Travis “G-Trav” Pate

If there’s one guy who is more dyed-in-the-wool, pro-gondola than even me, it’s Travis Pate. He’s had some trouble holding a job, but he sure could hold a “Lift Ogden” sign when he worked for the very pro-gondola Chamber of Commerce. He’s also a close associate of my personal friend Sue “G-Train” Wilkerson. That’s why people call him “G-Trav” Pate.

Now, you’ve probably all heard about the basement room under the home of Jay Asquith Cavendish. It’s where an important new committee meets – one that I formed between the Chamber of Commerce and the Realty people called the... Supreme Committee of Real Estate Workers – United!

Since the Chamber of Commerce meets there, we call the meetings “Down in the Chamber with the Chamber.”

Here’s a picture of G-Trav all dressed up in his curly wig and suit, getting ready to plot ways to borrow money from banks and spend it on building projects – in other words, plotting ways to Lift Ogden!

We’ve held many important meetings in this basement with our city’s rightful leaders, and have had many good times there. And G-Trav fits in perfectly with our group!

So whether you want to see the gondola get built, love borrow-and-spend government, or just want to give an unemployed guy a break, vote for G-Trav Pate!

At Large Seat A – Mark “Stinky” Hains

Stinky Hains has only one person running against him so you won’t get to vote for him until the general election on November 3. But I wanted to introduce you to him right now anyway.

Nobody knows whether “Stinky” got his nickname from 14 years in the real estate business, or from the expression he gets on his face whenever he smells fresh air blowing off undeveloped land that could be plowed under for new houses!

But you can see at his website that Stinky is an avid photographer. And you have to admit, looking at his self-portrait you can almost imagine him sniffing the stink from the undeveloped hillside! You have to admit, Stinky is one accurate photographer!

In addition to paving every inch of open space into row houses, what Stinky wants is for Ogden to get moving – literally! Whether you love or hate me, you have to admit, I make people want to MOVE – if I'm not actually forcing them to MOVE! And as a real estate guy, that’s what puts money in Stinky’s pocket. In fact, it’s the only thing that puts money in his pocket!

Real estate people are used to getting what they want, so expect to see a lot of campaign signs to buy Stinky’s election, paid for by the... Supreme Committee of Real Estate Workers – United!

And the next time you see some disgusting, wasteful open space, pinch your nose and remember to vote for Stinky Hains!

In Conclusion

Now I admit, my list of candidates this time around may be a little forgettable! So to help you remember those who will rubber stamp the mayor's plans – people the mayor respectfully calls his “Godfreyites” – take a minute to click and print my...

“Mayor Godfrey's Clip and Carry Guide to the Primary Candidates”

Now I was going to write some additional comments, but I'm told the bank is on the phone. They’re going to pull their Salomon Center loan again and then re-issue it, so they can charge another $1 million fee, which is no problem, since these guys are always good for a very reasonable 1% kickback! Like I said, I'm on a roll!

And remember, if  I can get a bunch of my rubber stamps on the city council you won’t have to worry about anything. (And it won’t make any difference if you worry anyway, since none of my Godfreyites will listen to what anybody tells them except me!) So be sure to take my “clip and carry guide” to the polls with you on September 15!

Once again here's the link to my  “Clip and Carry Guide to the Primary Candidates – Vote on SEPTEMBER 15th”