2013 Ogden City Municipal Elections Special Voter Guide PARODY - Updated

Providing a voice to Ogden City government fat cats

Mark Who?

Hi there everybody!  I’m one of those people you’ve probably NEVER heard of.  Now, I’m NOT one of the little people who work hard, pay taxes, and basically struggle under the bloated weight of overweening, overpaid bureaucracy.

No, I AM one of those bloated, overweening, over-paid bureaucrats!  In fact, you might say I’m at the very top of the big, steaming pile!

Let me introduce myself.  My name is Not Mark Johnson or N. Mark Johnson for short.  I’m Ogden City’s Chief Administrative Officer or CAO. 

I’m not the mayor, the fire chief, the police chief, the city council, or any of those small fry.  I’m all those peoples’ BOSS!  Elections may come and go, but whoever wins, all the other birds sit underneath ME in the pigeon coop!  In fact, I just CANNED the airport manager in favor of MY long-time, triple-dipping CRONY!  That’s my idea of smooth operation: YES-MEN!  Now it’s YOUR TURN to keep smooth operation in Ogden.  If you vote for MY people, I won’t have to SPUR anybody into obedient compliance with my edicts!  The people I suggest below are ALREADY TRAINED to do what I want! 

Kick In, You Suckers!  HAHAHAHA!

But first, if you have any friends in surrounding cities, you know that Ogden City water bills have been jacked up so high, they SOAR above the rest!  Maybe you’ve wondered why?  Well, it turns out that for every $1 of water money that comes in, 17¢ comes straight to the general fund, i.e. to ME!  You know how hard it is to raise TAXES around here?  Well, who needs all that STRESS!  I just get the elected nitwits to raise the WATER BILLS and I get 17% of that extra money, and NOBODY complains!

A few years ago, we put in a new water tank at the top of 36th Street that is FIVE TIMES as big as the STATE ENGINEERING standards said we needed.  Why so big? Because I got, and continue to get, 17% of all that WASTEFUL SPENDING!

And take my LATEST SCHEME!  We got the city to BORROW $20 million we didn’t even NEED in the water fund!  Then, we put the money RIGHT BACK into the BANK, along with the $30 million that was ALREADY THERE!  Next, we raised water bills to pay the INTEREST!  Right off, I get 17% of those higher water bills!  Then, we paid hundreds of thousands of dollars in fees to the bankers and consultants who came up with this SCAM! 

And that’s not even the BEST PART!  Once the new city council gets seated, we’ll wait a little while, and go “HEY!  Guess WHAT!  We just DISCOVERED $50 million in the BANK that we must have SAVED due to our incredible EFFICIENCY!!  So how about we use that money for some NEW PUBLIC BUILDING we NEED!  It’ll be like getting the new public building for FREE!  You can tell all your VOTERS how GOOD of a job you are doing!” 

HAHAHAHAHA!!!  The city council will be bleeding you people dry and kissing both sides of my butt for making them look so good!  It’s easy as PIE I tell ya!  Easy as PIE!  HAHAHAHAHA!

Ok, I had to stop and take a pill.  My doctor told me not to get so hyperventilated at work.  Ok, take a breath, N. Mark.  Take a breath.  That’s better.  Well, here are my recommendations.

At Large Seat B

VOTE FOR! Bart Blair

Bart Blair

Bart Blair came to office four years ago from the oil industry.  Actually, he was a GAS STATION CLERK … at his DAD’S gas station!  You can still buy your beer and cigarettes from him most weekdays at Blair’s Chevron here in town.  It was this level of skill and experience that landed him the position he currently holds of Ogden City Council CHAIRMAN!

HAHAHAHA!  Yeah, RIGHT!  Actually, I got him that job MYSELF!  You see, Bart came to office a young, naïve little boy, and I turned him into the rapidly-aging, reflexive BUTT KISS that he is today!  This guy NEVER votes against the bureaucrats.  He’s been raising your water bills the whole time he’s been in office!!  Vote this guy back in!!!!

VOTE AGAINST! Courtney White

Courtney White

This candidate, Courtney White, is the most blatant case of FALSE ADVERTISING I’ve ever SEEN!  The guy’s name is WHITE, but he’s OBVIOUSLY a MEXICAN!

Taking a page from the former mayor’s playbook, do you really think more Mexican markets, gangs and graffiti is what this city needs!  Come on! Get serious!

But if that’s not bad enough, this guy is a free enterprise NUT! He DOESN’T LIKE the millions of dollars this city hands out to our FAVORED CRONIES each year!  Courtney believes in imaginary, non-existent things, like unicorns, elves, and the free market in Ogden!  He’s against all our corporate welfare and payoffs, and wants to CLEAN it all UP!  One of my golfing cronies said he doesn’t have a problem with having a Mexican CLEAN something UP, but NOT like THIS!!  Hey, this election, do ME a favor and make sure COURTNEY WHITE’S political career is ALL WASHED UP!

Wards 1 & 3

VOTE FOR!  Neil Garner and Doug Stephens

Garner & Stephens

These two fine men, Neil Garner and Doug Stephens, have been painstakingly trained to do what I want, and they ALWAYS do what I SAY!! 

These are your INCUMBENTS!  They’ve been raising your water bills reliably.  And you people on secondary water – they voted in a scheme to JACK your rates EVEN HIGHER than EVERYONE ELSE! 

Yeah!!! Both of these guys came into office as intellectual lightweights.  And now, if you’ve ever met them, you know that after years in office they are so addled they can hardly chew gum.  But they have enough function left to nod “yes” when the vote comes.  YES!!  YES!!!  Reward these men for jacking up your water bills and making me a happy man!!  Re-elect them!!! 

VOTE AGAINST!  Pamela Stevens and Turner Bitton

Stevens & Bitton

These people, Pamela Stevens and Turner Bitton, are new.  They are down to earth.  They listen.  They want to serve the public good.

For Pete’s sake DON’T vote for people who are THAT IRRESPONSIBLE!   I know what the city needs, not YOU!  Please, please, please DON’T vote for these people!

At Large Seat A

PICK ONE YOURSELF!  Marsha White or Stephen Thompson

White & Thompson

I haven’t had time for my city bureaucratic gnomes to find out about these people, Marsha White or Stephen Thompson, so I can’t say who will be the most dutifully servile to the needs of the CITY, and by that I mean servile to the needs of ME!!!!

But I do know that Marsha White has gotten a truckload of money from the REALTOR association, some of our most reliable CRONIES!  So judge THAT for yourself!

In conclusion, remember that I make at least 3 times the median income of the rest of you SUCKERS not counting all my PERKS!  So I’m smarter than you, and I KNOW what YOU NEED!  Remember, vote YES for ever-increasing rates and fees!  Vote YES for Ogden City, by voting for MY candidates on NOVEMBER 5th!

Update 10/25/13 8:00 a.m.: I cracked the whip at my gnomes and they FINALLY did a little research on those two nobodys running for At Large Seat A (soon to be vacated by that dimwit Susie who sounded kinda scary when she campaigned but has ended up being putty in my hands). What the gnomes discovered is this...

Marcia White used to be on the board of a liberal terrorist organization called Equality Utah that wants EQUAL RIGHTS for all the LGBT folks. Now personally I don't care one way or the other about the queers but I get queasy when I think of council members who might have their own agenda -- any agenda!

Anyhow, I can probably live with White's agenda but NOT with Stephen Thompson's agenda which is WORKER'S RIGHTS!!! He's a former FIREFIGHTER, for cryin' out loud! That means he'll want more pay and decent working conditions for ALL the firefighters, and undoubtedly the cops too, and maybe even the garbage collectors and ditch diggers and office clerks. And MORE dough for all those dumb city slaves means LESS dough for me and my loyal bureaucrats! Not to mention the developers and construction contractors and real estate speculators who are always SO VERY NICE to me whenever they come up to my office and we close the door and share our mutual appreciation.

SO, kids: DON'T vote for Stephen Thompson! Hold your nose if necessary and just vote for Marcia White, whose last name stands for keeping the money where it belongs, in the hands of us WHITE COLLAR bureaucrats!

Ogden City 2011 General Election Voting Guide

Special Guest Gloating from Chester Hop-a-long

Hi folks! It’s your friend Chester Hop-a-long here, and I’ve never felt BETTER! As the president of your crony ruling class in the government business partnership (GBP), I can tell you we have worked for years to have a mayoral election where we had all the bases covered, and we finally GOT it. No matter who you vote for in the coming election, WE will OWN the next mayor. So just let me take a minute to reach my svelte arm over to grab another handful of Monkeybusinesss® brand monkey chow, and I’ll get right into the GLOATING. Hehehehehe.

There’s no point in me writing about whom you should vote for, for mayor, since it really doesn’t matter. Instead, let me tell you what you have to LOOK FORWARD TO.

For years, we’ve wanted to re-brand Ogden, by changing the outdated name of the city together with the sappy logos that you see on the water bills. After the election, we’ll finally have the power to do that. How do you like the new name and logo for our city? We feel “Cronytown, UT” conveys an upbeat tone, while the logo has a playful retro quality. And we’ve also produced 40,000 new bumper stickers that you will be placing on your cars after the election, celebrating the new mayor. We are at the zenith of our power, all under my leadership. Even the naysayers have our guy’s campaign signs in their yards. Hehehehehe!

Next, you’re probably wondering what will happen to the east bench over the next few years. Well what do you think will happen, geniuses? Hey, we condemned the whole river district – single family houses with large, tree-covered lots – so we could turn it into Ogden’s most high-density (and therefore most profitable) insta-slum! Have you seen the plans? Click here! Then, read it carefully! After you take away 57,000 square feet (a little over an acre) for “open space” in the form of parking lots and pathways, there are 200 residences plus a half acre of retail, all on five acres! That’s 40 residences per acre not counting the strip malls! Hey, don’t try to breathe! And just think of all the VACANT high density residence/retail in Ogden now! But don’t worry. A bad idea is always good for another try! Especially when my cronies are the ones getting paid to build all of it!

Well our plans for the EAST BENCH have been “in the drawer” for years waiting for the right mayor. Here is one of our computer generated models.

We call it “high density hellhole” development or “HDH”. And it’s ALL PROFIT … pure and sweet! And if you think the mayor’s appointed go-alongs on the planning commission, or the planning department, or city codes will save you from HDH , let me explain something to you. That dense, twisted thicket of bureaucracy the city lays down is not intended to protect YOU from trashy property! If it was, then how come there’s so much trashy property, huh Sherlock? No, it’s intended to protect US, the crony elite, from COMPETITION. You see, we have the manpower and connections to wade through the city’s bureucratic BS, but most small companies don’t! Less competition = more profit for US! You could have figured that out for yourself, couldn’t you, Einstein? Red tape? We love red tape!

But now that I’m through making you weep, weep dearly, for your future, what say we move on to my mayoral candidates?

Mike “No Streetcar” Caldwell

We’ve fronted Caldwell so much cash, he’s a shoo-in for mayor. In fact, he’s so sure he’s going to win that if you’ve seen any of the debates, you know he’s been dodging every question that comes his way. He’s harder to pin down than a housefly on heroin. But people have uncovered a couple of things: He’s against the Street Car, and he’s for the field house if it can be packaged right for the voters to swallow.

Now you might wonder why “No Streetcar” Caldwell is such a big fan of Mayor Godfrey, and like Godfrey, he’s against the fixed-rail streetcar. You could ask why the city has money to build that new airport terminal, complete with a row of executive hangars and two restaurants, all of which are VACANT. You might be curious why the city can afford the Salomon Center that LOSES a pile of case each year. And then you might wonder why the city has money to build the Junction Building that has been vacant from day-one except for Wells Fargo that just moved across the street (leaving another building vacant). You could question why the cronies think the field house is a good idea even thought Godfrey’s own rigged numbers showed it will cost tens of millions and lose millions of dollars a year. AND YET, in spite all of this government spending, the cronies are strangely AGAINST the Streetcar, even thought the feds will pick up 75% of the tab. Why????

Well if you’d come out of your coma for a just a minute, you might notice that all of Godfrey-Caldwell’s commercial contractor campaign contributors build all kinds of buildings, (and we even put up gondola posts), but one thing we DON’T build is RAILROADS!! So why would we want the city (we call it the “piggy bank”) to spend what little money it has left on a fixed-rail Streetcar system that will do us cronies no good, when we can think up plenty of other BUILDINGS that the city can pay us to build?! Building a Streetcar system doesn’t make US any money, honey! So now, it finally makes sense to you, huh? Well welcome to the party! Glad you could finally show up!

Brandon “Star Power” Stephenson

Starpower Stephenson thought HE was our candidate. But we’ve pretty much left him to twist in the wind. His slogan is, “Moving forward, together”, and you can see it on his larger campaign signs. Well here’s a news flash: Moving forward together is fine, but it kinda matters WHERE you’re moving TO, doesn’t it? But hey voters, go ahead. Move forward together with Caldwell or Stephenson – I don’t care which!

And as I mentioned before, Brandon looks a lot like Famous George, the loser from the TV show Seinfeld. Well, Brandon is behind in the polls by about 5 to 1. He’s looking to re-charge his campaign by emphasizing the resemblance. He’s come up with the eye-catching poster below. Hey whatever, Brandon. But for the 8 years Brandon has been on the city council, he’s done what Godfrey told him to do. And Godfrey did what we told him to do. Star Power Stephenson may look like a famous loser, but he’s OUR loser. We got NO PROBLEM with this guy. (He’s also against the Streetcar, if anybody cares.)


But hey, there’s nothing to worry about, huh naysayers? You’re finally getting RID of GODFREY, right? Hahahahahaha!

City Council

As far as city council, you got these choices:

Reliable cronies to loot you for my greater good: Planning Commission toady Richard “PC” Hyer, and write in candidate Rick “Bulldoze the Trails” Saftsen

No chance to win: Stephen Thompson

Independent minded candidates, whom I hate, who will probably win: Amy Wicks and Jennifer Neil. (These people think about issues instead of doing as I tell them to. And they are the only people who will stand up for you against me and my mayoral cronies! So don’t vote for them!)

But I’m not worried. I’m gonna own the MAYOR either way!

And come to think of it, given my manipulative successes, what is this food I’m eating? It’s time for me to upgrade to Junglegold® brand monkey chow, and to get my cage set up with a carpeted floor instead of this lousy paper! And I want flowers around me in my cage from now on instead of these crummy leaves! And now, I give the following code words to my cronies, your community leaders in the GBP: Eeee Eeeee Eeeee! Oooo Ooooo Ooooo! Ah – Ah - Ah! All our toadies: Arise! Your ruling oligarchs have spoken! The great day of our power is almost here! And to the rest of you, I can only say: Hehehehehehe!

2011 Ogden City Municipal Primary Voting Guide

Weber County Forum Special Guest Commentary
Giving a voice to Northern Utah’s diverse community

I know all the “Godfrey Voters” are out there waiting for our mayor to write in and tell them who to vote for. Well, since Godfrey dropped out this year, our ruling elite decided to get somebody a little smarter to do the job, namely me.

Let me introduce myself: My name is Chester Hop-a-long, and I have only recently assumed the stool of leadership of Ogden’s oligarch elite, known as the Government Business Partnership, or GBP.

For 12 years, we, your leaders, have suckled at the taxpayer teat provided so willingly and energetically by our beloved benefactor, the otherwise incompetent Matthew Godfrey. But with the coming election, this teat could be yanked away, just like my mother’s was all those years ago. So yes, if I look serious and sound crabby, it’s because I am. Yet, we must find a way to survive this brush fire. This election is for all the coconuts, so let’s all grab a vine, and swing right into the candidates. There are a lot of them, so we’ll have to pick through a lot of fur to find the best nits this year.

Jonny “The Bureaucrat” Ballard

If you don’t understand what “tax increment” is, let me explain it to you. Let’s say you fix up a property. After that, you pay more property tax on it, right? Now let’s say, I fix up a property. What the city does in MY case, is they add up how much my extra property tax will be for the next 20 years. Then they borrow the full amount from a bank, and GIVE the money to ME! Instead of going to the city, county, and schools, all that tax money for 20 years goes straight into MY pocket UP FRONT! Sweet! Even better, these insider deals generate money for city bureaucrats who grease the whole thing up so the public will swallow it! Now guess who one of those bureaucrats is! That’s right, Jonny “The Bureaucrat” Ballard. Hey, listen to this guy describe tax increment sometime, and he’ll make you think it’s as wholesome as HE LOOKS! This guy is smooth, and slicker than 10 miles of black ice! You want to make me happy? Vote for this guy! Make my day! Then check out his website. If you can decipher what this guy stands for, give my tail a little yank and let me know. He’s a platitude machine. And check out the Burt Reynolds impersonation he does all the time. It’s awesome!

Mike “Committee” Caldwell

Mike looks like the “chairman of the board”, doesn’t he? And he’s a dead ringer for this drill sergeant, huh? “Committee Caldwell” is very smooth, except when somebody tries to pin him down on issues, which makes him uncomfortable. But the naysayers did just that at a recent debate, making him answer yes/no questions. A lot of them didn’t like his answers too much. But since nobody on this blog will vote for him anyway, I might as well let the cat out of the bag. “Committee Caldwell” is our stealth candidate this year. Check it out. He’s on practically every crony committee in the city (thus his nickname) and he likes tax increment financing. And he works for the county. Go to his website and you’ll see another list of non-specific feel good platitudes written by our cronies. Then ask yourself whether he’ll be listening to YOUR input, or whether being on all those committees with my cronies, he’ll be listening to OURS. You want input? I don’t NEED no stinking input!

Jason “Elmer” Goddard

Let’s be honest. Is this guy a “Jason”, or is he an “Elmer”? Am I right? Next time you see him, call him “Elmer” and see what he does.
And remember what I said about platitudes? Check out this guy’s website. His website is pure, distilled boredom, and long winded to boot. And check out how many of these geniuses want to fix “education” even thought the mayor has NOTHING TO DO with education. For instance, read this, from Elmer’s campaign page: “What about our schools? Isn’t that outside the realm of a mayor? Shouldn’t that be the responsibility of the School Board? Does not an educated workforce positively correlate with economic development? All three answers are ‘yes.’”

So far so good, right? Then Elmer says this, “The time has come to sit down with our educators to create a plan to elevate our schools.” There you have it. Elmer sounded clued in, then clued out, right in the same paragraph. This guy should debate HIMSELF more often! On the other hand, he’s also for tax increment. Hey, dummies! It looks like we got this race covered!

Neil “Jake” Hansen

Moviegoers will remember when Neil played Jake Blues, in the 70’s movie The Blues Brothers, under his stage name “John Belushi”. (Just kidding.) Seriously though, Neil was a state representative who introduced some popular, public-minded legislation before his constituents voted him out. And Neil has run for Ogden mayor more times than Oprah has gone on a new diet. And just like Oprah, it never works. Here’s to you, Neil. Good luck next time, and next, and next…..

Brandon “Mini Matt” Stephenson

Anybody else thinks Brandon looks like “George”, the neurotic loser from television’s Seinfeld? People say that to me about Brandon all the time. But that’s not important. What is important is that YOU MUST VOTE FOR BRANDON!


We call him “Mini Matt”, because in 12 years of Godfrey, Brandon has voted with him something like 99.9999% of the time. This guy is closer to Godfrey than Godfrey’s underwear. He’s like a balder, taller, dumber, less energetic version of our beloved mayor. And do stop by his website. The only thing he does to let on that he’s our guy, is to say he wants “partnering with business” – sweet, sweet words to my furry ears. It means taxpayers provide cash and take risk, while cronies lap up any profits. I love Mini Matt. I would personally get down and beg you to vote for this man if I was in front of you, which of course, I’m not.

John “CC” Thompson

You’ve theorized. You’ve wondered. And you’ve asked. Now you KNOW. Yes! Ogden is where Santa Claus lives in the off season! His friends call him Chris, as in Cringle, or just “CC” for short. But seriously, if you want to run for mayor, maybe look the part, maybe, I don’t know, cut off the 30 years of hair growth from when you first went into the cave? I’m sure he’s a great guy. Who needs to look like you’re running for mayor? Just pay the 25 bucks and put your name in, right? But do talk to him sometime. He wants to leave all decision making up to the city council. Here’s an idea “CC” – how about if we leave the decision making up to somebody else, by just electing somebody else?

Susie “Sunburn” VanHooser

And now, without further ado, we get to the first of the “Vans”, with Susan VanHooser. I will make very little commentary on this appalling woman. I merely quote, verbatim, from her website. “We must protect our open space and I will not encourage additional housing projects in our foothills. In fact I will oppose any. This open space has been a major reason we are the gateway to Wasatch Front. It is a major economic draw and I think working with foundations and others, it is in the best interest of the city to ensure this area is purchased from private landowners and preserved through some trust or foundation.” And then this, “Our most successful downtown business core however, is built around 25th and Union Station! We didn’t need a lot of tax dollars to make this area work and local business paid for most of it. The rest came from a special improvement district.”

Let me ask a question: So then how can we develop our economy if she won’t let us rape the mountains, or the taxpayers??? So then who, exactly, CAN we rape? Hmmmm? No answer? Is that crickets I hear chirping? If this woman won’t rape the land or the taxpayers, it’s “game over” for us cronies. She talks about “foundations”. Who does she think is the “foundation” of our economy? Godfrey knew. Everyone knows. The crony network is the foundation!! WE ARE the foundation! If this woman will stop us from raping, then SHE must be stopped! And one more vital point: The woman clearly has a sunburn in this picture. Do you really want someone with a sunburn as mayor? I didn’t think so.

Steven “Stevie V” Van Wagoner

What need I say about this guy? Go to his campaign site and read some of it. He hangs himself. Again, I need only quote, “It is time to stop government competition with locally owned businesses. Our city must end participation in countless projects where we have no business spending tax dollars or focusing government efforts. Our city must stop the practices adopted as of recent of being the Real Estate Agent, Land Developer, and guarantor of leases and loans for private businesses to take risk at the expense of the community. No government at any level has ever been successful at picking winners and losers in a free market system. Artificial economic growth is neither smart nor sustainable. We need to let our free market take the natural course where the winners will be rewarded based on good old fashioned hard work and not an association to certain clicks (sic).”

I was flinging my own feces around in my cage for a full 15 minutes when I read that paragraph. How do you expect me, and my cronies on the GBP, to thrive if we have to compete in a free market? And if we don’t survive, where will you find your natural born leaders? On the other hand, if you ask Stevie V in person, it turns out he’s actually FOR a lot of government projects. In fact, most of his positions, if you ask him, involve the government spending more and doing more. We are confident this wet-behind-the-ears mayoral wannabe – Stevie V – will do what he’s told, if the time comes. Hey that’s catchy: “Stevie V – mayor wannabe.” I’m a genius.

In Summary

Just remember one thing: I’m telling you to vote for Brandon Stephenson! If not him, then go with Jonny Ballard. Hey, I may be rich, but I gotta keep my gravy train running, you know? Either of these guys will take your open space and your tax dollars, funnel both to me and my cronies, and make me feel as good as I do after a Sunday afternoon tick shampoo and blow dry. Ahhhh …. so gooood.

And now I see one of my girls is coming in to comb me, so I don’t have time to talk about the city council candidates except to say this: whatever you do, don’t vote for Jennifer Neil or Amy Wicks. These are independent minded people, just what I don’t need. And now, dear friends, they’ve changed the paper in my cage and so I think I’ll take a little nap. The primary is September 13, 2011. Get out and vote, you naysayers. And do as you’re told for once, okay?

Ogden City 2009 General Election Voting Guide

Special Guest Commentary from Mayor Godfrey (Parody)

You’ve probably heard about how abusive I am toward the women on the city council. Some people think I’ve gotten even more crabby than ever since all my projects are going to pot. But in reality, my administration has always taken a consistent approach toward women. Take my Business Development manager, Scott Brown, who had to resign because of sexual harassment charges and computer porn, or my current Chief Administrative Officer, John Patterson, who had to quit his last job because of having an affair with one of his subordinates.

You see, when these city council women sometimes won’t meet with me when I command them to, it reminds me of the way women have treated me all my life – they ignore me. Most women don’t know their place and how they should serve a man. When the members of my administration have affairs, abuse women or look at computer porn, they are just tying to help themselves to see women in their proper role.

Take my problem with council chairman Amy Wicks. She’s a woman, but she acts like a man, by having her own opinions on things. One day I started to give her a piece of my mind, and one of my people took this picture. You can see in my eyes that I don’t like women to ignore me.

To drive home the point, I called my people at the newspaper and told them to hit the women on the council, which they did. The newspaper not only told the women to let me beat them up as much as I want, they even called on Amy Wicks to resign. Click here to read their brilliant editorial. Who’s the boss now, Amy?

But I didn’t want to take all day talking about the proper role of women. I wanted to talk about who you should vote for in the upcoming election on November 3, to implement my vision.

At Large Seat A

Mark “Stinky” Haines

You probably remember my new committee that I talked about in the primary: the “Supreme Committee of Real Estate Workers – United.” Hains is in charge of this committee now since my other candidate lost out in the primary.

Now somebody told me if you take the capital letters of my committee, it spells out something not very nice. Well, I’m not changing the name because I’ve never admitted to making a mistake in my life, and I’m not going to start now.

Haines is a real estate agent. He gets his nickname “Stinky” from the expression that he gets on his face whenever he sees or smells open space. Stinky Haines is getting a little on in years and so he doesn’t like to walk too far when he’s selling homes – condos are much better for him. So he’s running for city council to help me put condos all over the East Bench.

Look, Haines is a real estate agent, with real estate money bankrolling him. Haines understands that the East Bench needs to be bulldozed. Why else would he be running and raking in all that real estate and contractor campaign cash? But he’s not going to come out and say it because the naysayers will complain. You can figure that out for yourself, can’t you, Sherlock?

Susan Van Hooser

This is the woman who ran against me in my last election for mayor. My lawyers intimidated the county elections director (another woman) into throwing out enough ballots to barely make me the winner. It’s seems easier for me nowadays to intimidate some women into doing what I want. If only I could take that ability and go back in time to High School.

Anyway, VanHooser has tons of useless public service, and she’s been on the city council. She listens to people, studies issues, and thinks before voting. And she is courageous. In other words, she’s another woman who has her own mind and is no good for anything. Do you really want me to have to deal with another independent minded woman?

At Large Seat B

David “Alfred E” Phipps

I still think the campaign portrait I had done for Phipps is a near perfect likeness.

Phipps’ campaign got off to a slow start. First, he put the wrong seat he was running for on his signs. Then he sent out a flyer saying people were supporting him who actually weren’t. Then he apologized. Then he did it all over again.

Then to top it off, this screwball let everyone know that he just moved to Ogden from Sugarhouse during the last year, and doesn’t even own a home in Ogden – he rents. (The dummy posted it on his blog! Then when people started noticing, he took it down. But the darned naysayers still have it available to read here.) And he tells people he has a business in Ogden, but he’s really just a real estate agent in Layton. And to add the frosting to the cake, he admitted in the Standard-Examiner via this very morning's Scott Schwebke story that he committed voter fraud in Salt Lake County on November 4, 2008! With this kind of sloppy work and calm, casual falsification, you can see why I love this guy!

On the bright side, when people ask why he knows nothing about Ogden, he can claim it’s because he just moved here. That way, people may overlook the fact that he actually doesn’t have the lights on upstairs either.

But he doesn’t have to be the brightest bulb in the box to take my cronies’ campaign cash and buy a council seat for himself. Phipps just has to keep going around saying he’s independent while he keeps taking the money my cronies give him. In the end, my supporters know Phipps will do what he’s told. Enough said.

Bart Blair

Bart Blair’s family business has been in Ogden for over 50 years – Blair’s Service. Those who are familiar with it know it is a clean place that does an honest business in good times and bad. People trust him and come back again and again.

In other words, he’s a dinosaur who is out of touch with my new approach to business. Blair refuses to get with my “Godfrey School Business Model,” which involves me selling off public land to my cronies on the cheap while they write me campaign checks.

In the 10 years I’ve been in office, this guy has taken none of my graft and has not given me a single kickback. Do you really want him to apply his work ethic and real-world business sense to Ogden City?

Municipal Ward 1

Neil “Doughboy” Garner

Garner looks like the Pillsbury Doughboy. At least I guess he does. I’ve never met him.

I said I needed somebody to get rid of Garcia, and they got this guy. My people have given him so much money he ought to be able to get elected to anything. With all that money I’ve fronted him, I guess he really is the “dough” boy. So I’m right as usual. I’m a genius even when I’m not trying.

Jesse Garcia

Garcia gets in my way. I tried to kill Union Station and he stopped me. I tried to close the Marshall White Center, and he blocked it. He lives in a district full of lower and middle income people. So why do they need any public facilities – they’re poor, right? I thought those people were supposed to entertain themselves by dancing or something. I need money for my failing projects downtown and since people in Garcia’s district rarely vote, I decided I can axe all the stuff in their neighborhoods and get the money I need. But Garcia keeps getting in my way. He’s my #1 target in this election.


Municipal Ward 3

Patrick “Invisible Man” Dean

I’ve never met this guy. I’ve never seen him, and I don’t know anybody who can describe anything about him. The people who finance me apparently found him someplace, and got him to run by telling him the job pays several hundred dollars a month. They assure me he’ll do what I tell him to do. This is exactly the kind of visionary, forward-looking candidate we need more of in Ogden.

Doug Stephens

Stephens is the incumbent. He votes with me sometimes, but I still have to talk him into things. And for some reason, he seems to like to hear other opinions as well. I’m tired of this guy and need somebody who is easier to work with.

In Summary

It’s easy to tell which ones are my candidates, because they are the ones being funded by the same people who bankroll my campaigns. My candidates were dug up by, and funded by, my back scratching real estate people and crony contractors who make their money from big government projects, from carving up raw land into condos, and from fomenting a lot of house turnover so they can collect their commissions. In other words, my candidates are those who will do what my bankrollers tell them to do – just as I do – for the good of Ogden.

So if you’re tired of council meetings, public hearings, public input, discussion, and a sense that there is more than one opinion in Ogden, this is your chance to do something about it. Vote for my candidates, and all discussion will end. If you’ve ever watched what happens when I get one of my people on the city council, you know they always, always do what I tell them to do.

On a final note, I wanted to show you the new place in my office I have for uppity women and people who disagree with me. Yeah, it’s right here:


In fact, for anybody who doesn’t agree with me, this is where they can go. Just put your hands together, and jump. So you see, I do have a place in my office for alternative opinions after all.

Ogden City Primary Election Voter’s Guide for 2009

Weber County Forum Special Guest Commentary - (Parody) 

Dear Friends,

I, your mayor, have been on a roll lately. I just got the tax increment for downtown extended, so I have School taxes and County taxes I can bond against for twelve more years. The depleted borrowing capacity of Ogden City can no longer stop my vision.

Plus, I have the city council lined up to vote for my new water tanks at 36th Street so I can build my gargantuan motel and condo project at the golf course, paid for by city water bills.

Just like all little piglets know – when I suck one teat dry, I just find myself another one!

Anyway, now that I have the water rate payers covering the cost of my golf course “handoff” and construction project, I’ve been able to start calling contractors to do the deal for me. As you can see from the expression on my face, I’m getting some very favorable responses! I’m glad to say that even in today’s economy, there are still plenty of contractors and bankers who are willing to take a big chunk of “public nuisance” land off my hands for next to nothing!

But I’m getting off track. Today I wanted to let you know about the people running for city council, while showcasing my own personal favorites. I even utilized the help of my business development office, to give these recommendations a professional quality. So without further adieu, please consider my recommendations.

At Large Seat B – David “Alfred E” Phipps

David’s nickname is “Alfred E” because that’s what everyone called him when he was a kid. This race is so important to me I had a campaign portrait commissioned for him (with his tie straightened). Like everything I do, I think it turned out rather well, don’t you?

“Alfred E” Phipps is very sensitive to Ogden issues. You can see for yourself in his letter to the editor, where he refers to Ogden as an “armpit” and an “unsafe place”.

No wonder he chose to have his business office located in Layton! So the next time you’re in Layton to get away from the drive-by shootings in Ogden, stop in, and tell him “Hi”. His address and real estate profile are here.

In his letter to the editor, you’ll notice he also did a super job of lying about all the debt that I’ve piled on, and made it sound like you taxpayers would never have to pay for any of it! He wrote his letter 2 years ago to help me get re-elected, and since then, taxpayers have been paying through the nose for the Salomon Center debt!

Now I know you people keep knocking me on my record. But notice that Alfred E not only has a keen sense of how bad things look after ten years of ME as mayor, but he supports me anyway. No wonder I love him! He’s loyal! Vote for “Alfred E” Phipps!


In his letter to the editor, you’ll notice he also did a super job of lying about all the debt that I've piled on, and made it sound like you taxpayers would never have to pay for any of it! He wrote his letter 2 years ago to help me get re-elected, and since then, taxpayers have been paying through the nose for the Salomon Center debt!

Now I know you people keep knocking me on my record. But notice that Alfred E not only has a keen sense of how bad things look after ten years of me as mayor, but he supports me anyway. No wonder I love him! He’s loyal! Vote for “Alfred E” Phipps!

Municipal Ward 1 – Travis “G-Trav” Pate

If there’s one guy who is more dyed-in-the-wool, pro-gondola than even me, it’s Travis Pate. He’s had some trouble holding a job, but he sure could hold a “Lift Ogden” sign when he worked for the very pro-gondola Chamber of Commerce. He’s also a close associate of my personal friend Sue “G-Train” Wilkerson. That’s why people call him “G-Trav” Pate.

Now, you’ve probably all heard about the basement room under the home of Jay Asquith Cavendish. It’s where an important new committee meets – one that I formed between the Chamber of Commerce and the Realty people called the... Supreme Committee of Real Estate Workers – United!

Since the Chamber of Commerce meets there, we call the meetings “Down in the Chamber with the Chamber.”

Here’s a picture of G-Trav all dressed up in his curly wig and suit, getting ready to plot ways to borrow money from banks and spend it on building projects – in other words, plotting ways to Lift Ogden!

We’ve held many important meetings in this basement with our city’s rightful leaders, and have had many good times there. And G-Trav fits in perfectly with our group!

So whether you want to see the gondola get built, love borrow-and-spend government, or just want to give an unemployed guy a break, vote for G-Trav Pate!

At Large Seat A – Mark “Stinky” Hains

Stinky Hains has only one person running against him so you won’t get to vote for him until the general election on November 3. But I wanted to introduce you to him right now anyway.

Nobody knows whether “Stinky” got his nickname from 14 years in the real estate business, or from the expression he gets on his face whenever he smells fresh air blowing off undeveloped land that could be plowed under for new houses!

But you can see at his website that Stinky is an avid photographer. And you have to admit, looking at his self-portrait you can almost imagine him sniffing the stink from the undeveloped hillside! You have to admit, Stinky is one accurate photographer!

In addition to paving every inch of open space into row houses, what Stinky wants is for Ogden to get moving – literally! Whether you love or hate me, you have to admit, I make people want to MOVE – if I'm not actually forcing them to MOVE! And as a real estate guy, that’s what puts money in Stinky’s pocket. In fact, it’s the only thing that puts money in his pocket!

Real estate people are used to getting what they want, so expect to see a lot of campaign signs to buy Stinky’s election, paid for by the... Supreme Committee of Real Estate Workers – United!

And the next time you see some disgusting, wasteful open space, pinch your nose and remember to vote for Stinky Hains!

In Conclusion

Now I admit, my list of candidates this time around may be a little forgettable! So to help you remember those who will rubber stamp the mayor's plans – people the mayor respectfully calls his “Godfreyites” – take a minute to click and print my...

“Mayor Godfrey's Clip and Carry Guide to the Primary Candidates”

Now I was going to write some additional comments, but I'm told the bank is on the phone. They’re going to pull their Salomon Center loan again and then re-issue it, so they can charge another $1 million fee, which is no problem, since these guys are always good for a very reasonable 1% kickback! Like I said, I'm on a roll!

And remember, if  I can get a bunch of my rubber stamps on the city council you won’t have to worry about anything. (And it won’t make any difference if you worry anyway, since none of my Godfreyites will listen to what anybody tells them except me!) So be sure to take my “clip and carry guide” to the polls with you on September 15!

Once again here's the link to my  “Clip and Carry Guide to the Primary Candidates – Vote on SEPTEMBER 15th”

2007 Ogden City General Election Voter Guide

E-Z "no brainer" solutions to the candidate selection process (Parody)

Dear Friends,

I’ve been feeling pretty good lately, and I would like to express my appreciation to you for the primary election results. As you probably know, the mayor trounced both his opponents: Neil Hansen by a whopping 2:1 margin, and Susan VanHooser by a blistering 241 votes. All told, he won a cool 40% of the vote.

Now that some time has passed from the mayor's landslide victory, I thought I might use this forum to offer a little advice to my preferred city council candidates, and briefly mention the others.

Council Seat A

Vote for: Blain Johnson. Some of you who’ve seen Blain’s campaign flyers might feel you’ve seen him somewhere before. Well, Blain is a lawyer and is rumored have a twin brother named Roger who works at the San Diego aquarium. This may account for why he is so sensitive about lawyer jokes. But if you look closely at the smiles, and especially at the eyes, you can see why people think they’ve seen Blain somewhere before. Blain is also a board member of my Ogden Community Foundation, where we make real estate transactions for the city. For instance, my foundation took the AmCan building off the city’s hands, and then sold it to John Peddie for $3 million. Then, Peddie came right back to the city for $1.6 million in tax increment subsidies. Guess who their attorney was? That’s right! It was Blain Johnson! Does this guy know how to cover both ends of a deal or what? Just think, if you elect him to the city council he’ll have that end covered too! Blain and “Roger the shark” definitely have at least one thing in common: When something drifts by them, they both know how to sink in their teeth and tear off a nice chunk for themselves!

Don’t vote for: Shiela Aardema. She’s the wife of Ralph Aardema, who used to be principal of Ben Lomond High School and a Stake President. Sheila has a long list of public service she has performed, and she says she wants to be honest and open in government, and form consensus. Sounds naïve, doesn’t she?

Council Seat C

Vote for: Royal Eccles. I know you’re all glad to hear that the mayor is taking the sale of the golf course and surrounding land “off the table” for this election, which leaves my man Eccles feeling a little unbalanced. You see, he signed his name to a petition that would have led to the golf course being sold to Chris Peterson, even before Chris asked for it! You can see his name listed alphabetically on the petition, by clicking here. He even built an upcoming campaign flyer around his support for selling the golf course as you can see in the photo. You people who were worried about what would happen after Chris Peterson bulldozed all that land and the canyon winds hit it, should have realized that “Dusty” Eccles had a plan all ready for you! But for some reason, in the primary results, he didn’t carry his own neighborhood. It seems a majority of the people who know Eccles best didn’t vote for him. Of course, it’s a little embarrassing for him now that the mayor has changed his golf course position, but think of it this way: Where else can I find a man who makes snap, imprudent decisions with absolutely no information, and signs his name to it? Well, that’s the kind of knee jerk obedience I can use on the city council! And while some may think he’s rich, he’s not. He comes from the poorer side of the Eccles family. But if you’ve seen all his campaign signs, you can tell he still knows how throw money around like it grows on trees. Who does that remind you of? His proven track record of freehanded spending is just another in a list of reasons why Dusty Eccles will be perfect on the city council.

Don’t vote for: Amy Wicks. She is running on a platform of hard work, experience on the council, and a track record of listening to the public. Whoa, Nellie! Get out the honey glaze! She’s done!

Municipal Ward 4

Vote for: Kent Petersen. Kent is another visionary who urged the city to sell the golf course, even before Chris Peterson submitted a plan, or even asked for it! Click here. This deep thinker is one of the most famous people in Ogden. Everyone remembers him from various “roles” he has played over the years. And focusing on Kent’s present helps us to forget his past, like how he was bilked by con man Wayne Ogden. Kent, who once owned Petersen Motors, is now reduced to donning a captain’s hat and running a boat store. But now that he’s also running for city council, I suggest we forget his mistakes and focus on a cheerful campaign slogan like, “Keep your chin up, Skipper!” I’d love to see this yes-man doing the mayor's bidding on the council. But Kent, when you get on the council I’d appreciate it if you’d quit calling the mayor your “little buddy.”

Don’t vote for: Caitlin Gochnour. She’s a marathon runner with a long resume of public service. She says she wants to save open space, repair infrastructure, and reduce crime, which shows her inexperience in government. Caitlin doesn’t see the value of Ogden’s weekly killings, shootings, and gunplay, all while people are paying good money to see shootouts in places like Tombstone, Arizona and Knotts Berry Farm! Earth to Caitlin: Think tourism!

Mayor’s Race.

Vote for: Mayor Godfrey. If you haven’t learned by now how hard he's been working for you, click here and have a look at page 124. (I mean the page with “124” written on the actual page. Look at the table entitled “Ogden City Ratios of Outstanding Debt by Type”. ) Take a look at the column marked “Total Primary Government,” and you will see we’ve gone from $55 million in debt in 2003, to $93 million in 2006. If you want to know how to make things in a city look good, this is how. You have to spend a lot of borrowed money, fast, and that takes HARD WORK! And those figures don’t even include the final cost for the Salomon Center! Now that’s momentum!

Don’t vote for: Susan VanHooser. She has a lifelong record of public service and leadership in a variety of areas. She says she wants to find common ground and bring common sense back to government. Susan, when you have your dinner tonight, try dishing yourself a few less helpings of BORING.

In Summary:

So on the one hand is ther mayor's team of MEN – good herd followers and lapdogs that Mayor Godfrey can count on to do his bidding without thinking. So I say to all my fellow men out there: Do what I tell you, and get out there and vote for your own kind – a bunch of other MEN – with good, American-sounding names:

Matt Godfrey
Blain “Gills” Johnson,
Royal “Dusty” Eccles, and
Kent “Skipper” Petersen.

And then go home and tell your womenfolk to vote the same way (or tell them to stay home), before they vote for a bunch of WOMEN candidates, who will waste time asking for opinions, weighing issues, and using their judgment like women always do. I’m talking about VanHooser, Aardema, Wicks, and Gochnour. (What kind of names are those anyway?)


It should be easy enough for you to decide. The election is November 6.

Ogden City Primary Election 2007 Voting Guide

Prominent local visionary removes the guesswork from the candidate selection process (Parody)

First of all, how do you folks like my new photo? Gadi Leshem and Curt Geiger had a professional photographer take some shots of me for the campaign, and I like this one the best. Gadi said it would look good being blown up and hung behind the city council, and then he laughed and lit a cigar with one of the subpoenas he keeps getting.

Anyway, speaking of the city council, here are my recommendations on those races since you’ll need to know who to vote for. Print this voter guide and take it with you to the polls on September 11, 2007.

THE GOOD

Kent Petersen – Kent made most of his money by being smart enough to be born to a guy with a new car franchise – nice move, Kent. And all that scuttlebutt about him losing $1 million of his inherited cash to a Ponzi scheme with Wayne Ogden has nothing to do with his qualifications for office. After all, I lost $5 million of taxpayer money when he bulldozed Woodbury’s building on the old mall site without asking them for permission. What’s the big deal?

Royal Eccles – For years people have been complaining that there isn’t enough inherited-wealth elitism on the city council, so here it is. The name says it all. Remember, vote for the guy with the diamond pinky ring, and you can’t go wrong.

Kevin Irons, Dennis Howland and Blain Johnson – A bunch of nobodies I have in the race to Hoover up votes from all the people who can’t stomach voting for the likes of Royal and Kent. Kevin, Dennis, and Blain are three guys I know who the mayor can rely on, if by some snowball’s chance they win.

Brandon Stephenson – He’s unopposed, so bite me.

THE BAD

Amy Wicks – This chick investigated how much money I spent on the gondola, and came up with about six grand, when I have actually spent several hundred thousand. How incompetent is that?

Caitlin K. Gochnour – An outdoor nut who will likely vote in favor of squirrels and pine trees instead of the asphalt spreaders and gravel pits that are the foundation of our economy. She’s also a marathon runner – and she’ll need to be one, to beat my man Kent. Hey Cat, better get your sweat on, sweetheart!

Sheila P. Aardema – You’ve heard of “space freaks?” Well, this woman is an “open space” freak, so if you like the good, prosperous sound of dump trucks rolling past your house all day, you can forget about it with this pine nut. Plus, for you “small government” types, she’s the wife of a former Ben Lomond High School principal – in other words she’s married to a retired educrat. Sounds great, doesn’t she?

Dirk Youngberg – this guy is a city employee. Hey Dirk, if you don’t win, and I do, you’d better start looking for another job, if you get my drift.

Jim Freed – A gadfly from Smart Growth Ogden, and a general pain in the butt. He’s retired from Hill AFB so he’s basically another retired bureaucrat. Sounds real exciting, doesn’t he?

THE UGLY

Hey, no wise cracks about my photo . . . Why aren’t I commenting on my mayoral challengers, you ask? Well, maybe you should just start thinking about the damage the mayor will do if he loses – between the time of the election and when he has to leave office in January – now that’s ugly.

So don’t let your wandering eyes stray to Hansen or Van Hooser. Remember whose prison dame you are.