Ogden City 2011 General Election Voting Guide

Special Guest Gloating from Chester Hop-a-long

Hi folks! It’s your friend Chester Hop-a-long here, and I’ve never felt BETTER! As the president of your crony ruling class in the government business partnership (GBP), I can tell you we have worked for years to have a mayoral election where we had all the bases covered, and we finally GOT it. No matter who you vote for in the coming election, WE will OWN the next mayor. So just let me take a minute to reach my svelte arm over to grab another handful of Monkeybusinesss® brand monkey chow, and I’ll get right into the GLOATING. Hehehehehe.

There’s no point in me writing about whom you should vote for, for mayor, since it really doesn’t matter. Instead, let me tell you what you have to LOOK FORWARD TO.

For years, we’ve wanted to re-brand Ogden, by changing the outdated name of the city together with the sappy logos that you see on the water bills. After the election, we’ll finally have the power to do that. How do you like the new name and logo for our city? We feel “Cronytown, UT” conveys an upbeat tone, while the logo has a playful retro quality. And we’ve also produced 40,000 new bumper stickers that you will be placing on your cars after the election, celebrating the new mayor. We are at the zenith of our power, all under my leadership. Even the naysayers have our guy’s campaign signs in their yards. Hehehehehe!

Next, you’re probably wondering what will happen to the east bench over the next few years. Well what do you think will happen, geniuses? Hey, we condemned the whole river district – single family houses with large, tree-covered lots – so we could turn it into Ogden’s most high-density (and therefore most profitable) insta-slum! Have you seen the plans? Click here! Then, read it carefully! After you take away 57,000 square feet (a little over an acre) for “open space” in the form of parking lots and pathways, there are 200 residences plus a half acre of retail, all on five acres! That’s 40 residences per acre not counting the strip malls! Hey, don’t try to breathe! And just think of all the VACANT high density residence/retail in Ogden now! But don’t worry. A bad idea is always good for another try! Especially when my cronies are the ones getting paid to build all of it!

Well our plans for the EAST BENCH have been “in the drawer” for years waiting for the right mayor. Here is one of our computer generated models.

We call it “high density hellhole” development or “HDH”. And it’s ALL PROFIT … pure and sweet! And if you think the mayor’s appointed go-alongs on the planning commission, or the planning department, or city codes will save you from HDH , let me explain something to you. That dense, twisted thicket of bureaucracy the city lays down is not intended to protect YOU from trashy property! If it was, then how come there’s so much trashy property, huh Sherlock? No, it’s intended to protect US, the crony elite, from COMPETITION. You see, we have the manpower and connections to wade through the city’s bureucratic BS, but most small companies don’t! Less competition = more profit for US! You could have figured that out for yourself, couldn’t you, Einstein? Red tape? We love red tape!

But now that I’m through making you weep, weep dearly, for your future, what say we move on to my mayoral candidates?

Mike “No Streetcar” Caldwell

We’ve fronted Caldwell so much cash, he’s a shoo-in for mayor. In fact, he’s so sure he’s going to win that if you’ve seen any of the debates, you know he’s been dodging every question that comes his way. He’s harder to pin down than a housefly on heroin. But people have uncovered a couple of things: He’s against the Street Car, and he’s for the field house if it can be packaged right for the voters to swallow.

Now you might wonder why “No Streetcar” Caldwell is such a big fan of Mayor Godfrey, and like Godfrey, he’s against the fixed-rail streetcar. You could ask why the city has money to build that new airport terminal, complete with a row of executive hangars and two restaurants, all of which are VACANT. You might be curious why the city can afford the Salomon Center that LOSES a pile of case each year. And then you might wonder why the city has money to build the Junction Building that has been vacant from day-one except for Wells Fargo that just moved across the street (leaving another building vacant). You could question why the cronies think the field house is a good idea even thought Godfrey’s own rigged numbers showed it will cost tens of millions and lose millions of dollars a year. AND YET, in spite all of this government spending, the cronies are strangely AGAINST the Streetcar, even thought the feds will pick up 75% of the tab. Why????

Well if you’d come out of your coma for a just a minute, you might notice that all of Godfrey-Caldwell’s commercial contractor campaign contributors build all kinds of buildings, (and we even put up gondola posts), but one thing we DON’T build is RAILROADS!! So why would we want the city (we call it the “piggy bank”) to spend what little money it has left on a fixed-rail Streetcar system that will do us cronies no good, when we can think up plenty of other BUILDINGS that the city can pay us to build?! Building a Streetcar system doesn’t make US any money, honey! So now, it finally makes sense to you, huh? Well welcome to the party! Glad you could finally show up!

Brandon “Star Power” Stephenson

Starpower Stephenson thought HE was our candidate. But we’ve pretty much left him to twist in the wind. His slogan is, “Moving forward, together”, and you can see it on his larger campaign signs. Well here’s a news flash: Moving forward together is fine, but it kinda matters WHERE you’re moving TO, doesn’t it? But hey voters, go ahead. Move forward together with Caldwell or Stephenson – I don’t care which!

And as I mentioned before, Brandon looks a lot like Famous George, the loser from the TV show Seinfeld. Well, Brandon is behind in the polls by about 5 to 1. He’s looking to re-charge his campaign by emphasizing the resemblance. He’s come up with the eye-catching poster below. Hey whatever, Brandon. But for the 8 years Brandon has been on the city council, he’s done what Godfrey told him to do. And Godfrey did what we told him to do. Star Power Stephenson may look like a famous loser, but he’s OUR loser. We got NO PROBLEM with this guy. (He’s also against the Streetcar, if anybody cares.)


But hey, there’s nothing to worry about, huh naysayers? You’re finally getting RID of GODFREY, right? Hahahahahaha!

City Council

As far as city council, you got these choices:

Reliable cronies to loot you for my greater good: Planning Commission toady Richard “PC” Hyer, and write in candidate Rick “Bulldoze the Trails” Saftsen

No chance to win: Stephen Thompson

Independent minded candidates, whom I hate, who will probably win: Amy Wicks and Jennifer Neil. (These people think about issues instead of doing as I tell them to. And they are the only people who will stand up for you against me and my mayoral cronies! So don’t vote for them!)

But I’m not worried. I’m gonna own the MAYOR either way!

And come to think of it, given my manipulative successes, what is this food I’m eating? It’s time for me to upgrade to Junglegold® brand monkey chow, and to get my cage set up with a carpeted floor instead of this lousy paper! And I want flowers around me in my cage from now on instead of these crummy leaves! And now, I give the following code words to my cronies, your community leaders in the GBP: Eeee Eeeee Eeeee! Oooo Ooooo Ooooo! Ah – Ah - Ah! All our toadies: Arise! Your ruling oligarchs have spoken! The great day of our power is almost here! And to the rest of you, I can only say: Hehehehehehe!