Friday, October 16, 2009

Ogden City 2009 General Election Voting Guide

Special Guest Commentary from Mayor Godfrey (Parody)

You’ve probably heard about how abusive I am toward the women on the city council. Some people think I’ve gotten even more crabby than ever since all my projects are going to pot. But in reality, my administration has always taken a consistent approach toward women. Take my Business Development manager, Scott Brown, who had to resign because of sexual harassment charges and computer porn, or my current Chief Administrative Officer, John Patterson, who had to quit his last job because of having an affair with one of his subordinates.

You see, when these city council women sometimes won’t meet with me when I command them to, it reminds me of the way women have treated me all my life – they ignore me. Most women don’t know their place and how they should serve a man. When the members of my administration have affairs, abuse women or look at computer porn, they are just tying to help themselves to see women in their proper role.

Take my problem with council chairman Amy Wicks. She’s a woman, but she acts like a man, by having her own opinions on things. One day I started to give her a piece of my mind, and one of my people took this picture. You can see in my eyes that I don’t like women to ignore me.

To drive home the point, I called my people at the newspaper and told them to hit the women on the council, which they did. The newspaper not only told the women to let me beat them up as much as I want, they even called on Amy Wicks to resign. Click here to read their brilliant editorial. Who’s the boss now, Amy?

But I didn’t want to take all day talking about the proper role of women. I wanted to talk about who you should vote for in the upcoming election on November 3, to implement my vision.

At Large Seat A

Mark “Stinky” Haines

You probably remember my new committee that I talked about in the primary: the “Supreme Committee of Real Estate Workers – United.” Hains is in charge of this committee now since my other candidate lost out in the primary.

Now somebody told me if you take the capital letters of my committee, it spells out something not very nice. Well, I’m not changing the name because I’ve never admitted to making a mistake in my life, and I’m not going to start now.

Haines is a real estate agent. He gets his nickname “Stinky” from the expression that he gets on his face whenever he sees or smells open space. Stinky Haines is getting a little on in years and so he doesn’t like to walk too far when he’s selling homes – condos are much better for him. So he’s running for city council to help me put condos all over the East Bench.

Look, Haines is a real estate agent, with real estate money bankrolling him. Haines understands that the East Bench needs to be bulldozed. Why else would he be running and raking in all that real estate and contractor campaign cash? But he’s not going to come out and say it because the naysayers will complain. You can figure that out for yourself, can’t you, Sherlock?

Susan Van Hooser

This is the woman who ran against me in my last election for mayor. My lawyers intimidated the county elections director (another woman) into throwing out enough ballots to barely make me the winner. It’s seems easier for me nowadays to intimidate some women into doing what I want. If only I could take that ability and go back in time to High School.

Anyway, VanHooser has tons of useless public service, and she’s been on the city council. She listens to people, studies issues, and thinks before voting. And she is courageous. In other words, she’s another woman who has her own mind and is no good for anything. Do you really want me to have to deal with another independent minded woman?

At Large Seat B

David “Alfred E” Phipps

I still think the campaign portrait I had done for Phipps is a near perfect likeness.

Phipps’ campaign got off to a slow start. First, he put the wrong seat he was running for on his signs. Then he sent out a flyer saying people were supporting him who actually weren’t. Then he apologized. Then he did it all over again.

Then to top it off, this screwball let everyone know that he just moved to Ogden from Sugarhouse during the last year, and doesn’t even own a home in Ogden – he rents. (The dummy posted it on his blog! Then when people started noticing, he took it down. But the darned naysayers still have it available to read here.) And he tells people he has a business in Ogden, but he’s really just a real estate agent in Layton. And to add the frosting to the cake, he admitted in the Standard-Examiner via this very morning's Scott Schwebke story that he committed voter fraud in Salt Lake County on November 4, 2008! With this kind of sloppy work and calm, casual falsification, you can see why I love this guy!

On the bright side, when people ask why he knows nothing about Ogden, he can claim it’s because he just moved here. That way, people may overlook the fact that he actually doesn’t have the lights on upstairs either.

But he doesn’t have to be the brightest bulb in the box to take my cronies’ campaign cash and buy a council seat for himself. Phipps just has to keep going around saying he’s independent while he keeps taking the money my cronies give him. In the end, my supporters know Phipps will do what he’s told. Enough said.

Bart Blair

Bart Blair’s family business has been in Ogden for over 50 years – Blair’s Service. Those who are familiar with it know it is a clean place that does an honest business in good times and bad. People trust him and come back again and again.

In other words, he’s a dinosaur who is out of touch with my new approach to business. Blair refuses to get with my “Godfrey School Business Model,” which involves me selling off public land to my cronies on the cheap while they write me campaign checks.

In the 10 years I’ve been in office, this guy has taken none of my graft and has not given me a single kickback. Do you really want him to apply his work ethic and real-world business sense to Ogden City?

Municipal Ward 1

Neil “Doughboy” Garner

Garner looks like the Pillsbury Doughboy. At least I guess he does. I’ve never met him.

I said I needed somebody to get rid of Garcia, and they got this guy. My people have given him so much money he ought to be able to get elected to anything. With all that money I’ve fronted him, I guess he really is the “dough” boy. So I’m right as usual. I’m a genius even when I’m not trying.

Jesse Garcia

Garcia gets in my way. I tried to kill Union Station and he stopped me. I tried to close the Marshall White Center, and he blocked it. He lives in a district full of lower and middle income people. So why do they need any public facilities – they’re poor, right? I thought those people were supposed to entertain themselves by dancing or something. I need money for my failing projects downtown and since people in Garcia’s district rarely vote, I decided I can axe all the stuff in their neighborhoods and get the money I need. But Garcia keeps getting in my way. He’s my #1 target in this election.


Municipal Ward 3

Patrick “Invisible Man” Dean

I’ve never met this guy. I’ve never seen him, and I don’t know anybody who can describe anything about him. The people who finance me apparently found him someplace, and got him to run by telling him the job pays several hundred dollars a month. They assure me he’ll do what I tell him to do. This is exactly the kind of visionary, forward-looking candidate we need more of in Ogden.

Doug Stephens

Stephens is the incumbent. He votes with me sometimes, but I still have to talk him into things. And for some reason, he seems to like to hear other opinions as well. I’m tired of this guy and need somebody who is easier to work with.

In Summary

It’s easy to tell which ones are my candidates, because they are the ones being funded by the same people who bankroll my campaigns. My candidates were dug up by, and funded by, my back scratching real estate people and crony contractors who make their money from big government projects, from carving up raw land into condos, and from fomenting a lot of house turnover so they can collect their commissions. In other words, my candidates are those who will do what my bankrollers tell them to do – just as I do – for the good of Ogden.

So if you’re tired of council meetings, public hearings, public input, discussion, and a sense that there is more than one opinion in Ogden, this is your chance to do something about it. Vote for my candidates, and all discussion will end. If you’ve ever watched what happens when I get one of my people on the city council, you know they always, always do what I tell them to do.

On a final note, I wanted to show you the new place in my office I have for uppity women and people who disagree with me. Yeah, it’s right here:


In fact, for anybody who doesn’t agree with me, this is where they can go. Just put your hands together, and jump. So you see, I do have a place in my office for alternative opinions after all.

20 comments:

Some thoughts said...

The resemblance of the pics of David Phipps and Alfred E Newman are actually pretty good. Funny, really. This is good politics and the humour in the article comes across nicely. Well done.

I wonder how everything will play out on election day. I don't think that this "Suzy" van Hoover is the "Great White Hope" (this is an analogy so don't go nuts over the "white" in my comment) that you all think she is. And Bart Blair comes from a fine family but he seems a little bit too young to really comprehend the aspects of City government. Jesse? Well Jesse is Jesse and his aim is to go against the administration for any reason, which is not always in the best interests of the people. Doug Stephens feels like the right guy but his opponent has said a couple of things that have made sense.

And not too many signs around town, which is a good thing. Haines wins that one anyway and should prevail.

Looks like apathy from the candidates and the people. Is there any wonder why....

south bench said...

"...Blair comes from a fine family but...seems a little bit too young to really comprehend...City government."

I think you are confusing glibness with intelligence, and slick-oil-salesmanship with good solid governance.

Mr. Blair is top of his class when it comes to intellect.

Dan S. said...

As Jesse has pointed out himself, he votes with the administration approximately 98% of the time. This idea that the council and administration are always disagreeing is a myth, fabricated by the spinmasters on the 9th floor because they didn't have any other good issues for their people to campaign on.

Jim Hutchins said...

Some Thoughts:

With your obvious skills in reading men's minds, and divining their deepest motives like this:

...his aim is to go against the administration for any reason...

you probably need to stop posting on this blog and go into business making money as a mind-reader, or at the very least, the world's fastest-working distance psychologist.

Stephen M. Cook said...

So, if one buys the larger tax base argument, all Los Angeles needs is more upscale homes to increase the taxbase, and the city's problems would be solved.
Nonsense.

More people simply creates a greater strain on infrastructure and city services; peoples city taxes only pay for a scant portion of the services they receive, with the rest of the funds coming from elsewhere.

This was never about tax base, this is about backroom deals, and promises made to developer-friends years ago, promises the Mayor is now having a difficult time meeting.

It is about a free-land giveaway at the base of Peterson's Folly - the equivalent of creating wealth by selling grandmas long-held-in-trust jewelry.
Doing this does not make you more wealthy, it makes you an asshole.

As his time in office grows to a close, watch for him to become more irrational and shrill, dirty and stealthy. He wants to sell the family jewels.

concerned voter said...

I hate to mention the elephant in the room but the Mayor recruited Neil Garner to get the LDS vote locked up, I heard he is a Bishop or X Bishop. He doesn’t seem to have much information, but some of his supporters on facebook are Glen Beck supporters and I’m sure Ogden doesn’t need any more conservatives types to turn Ogden into more of a kiddyland.
He stated he wants more study done for transportation to Weber State, so that would mean a gondola. He wants to promote the Mt. Ogden Golf Course, well the citizens have been asking for more signs for over 2 years and better promotion.
Ogden needs retail and adult venues to enjoy an evening out.
Jesse needs to stay the course and work for the community.

Reader said...

There is a letter to the editor in this evening's print edition that suggests that to see where the candidates stand, follow the money.

Follow the Money

When one does that, it is easy to see who are the Godfreyites - they are the ones getting money from Godfrey's cronies!

ozboy said...

I think the "mayor's" essay on the candidates is just a little disingenuous when it comes to the Patrick Dean part. I think he is trying to use a little reverse psychology on us by making us thing that Dean is is guy so that we won't vote for him. The mayor definitely doesn't want Dean on that council, the man thinks for himself and stands up and calls bull shit when he sees it. That is sure something Matt don't want hanging around - another strong man sticking up for ethical behavior in his city. Yep, The mayor is just trying to get us to vote for Stephens by telling us what a bad guy he is so that we will do our anti godfrey vote for him!
He is a pretty cleaver little dood in the shell game business of Godfrey politics.

I say let's stick it to him, call his bluff and vote for Dean, the guy that's actually got a pair that is so desperately needed on that gummint body.

curious 1 said...

One of the respones to follow the money a May Smith is a Godfreyite. Someone who just moved here and blame the City Council turning investors away with not approving the additional height. They attacked Caitlain and Susie for the Windsor not being completed.

I gues the writer didn't know that it would of changed all the heights on 25th street, not just the Windsor. I don't think the city has gotten back the grant money that was a giveaway to his cronies.

Danny said...

Oz, It concerns me that you are for Dean. Stephens is not much better, but Dean signs are ubiquitously on the same lots as other Godfreyite candidates.

But then, I hear you supported Glassman as well as Stephens and some other bums I don't recall.

So are you sure about Dean?

Hopefully you are supporting VanHooser, Blair, and Garcia, and not just in word alone.

Jim Hutchins said...

In my considered opinion, "May Smith" is a troll.

"She" posts about her bridge club far too conspicuously. She is careful to position herself as a concerned senior citizen -- methinks a little too careful.

Mrs. Smith, if you exist and you're really out there, I apologize but I'd sure love to meet you and play a hand of bridge or two while we discuss local politics.

If you're a troll, then stay under your bridge.

Ogden Dem said...

I was unable to attend the Oct 14 debate but I did attend the first meet the candidates and I have to disagree with Ozboy about Dean. He stated he believed we need more community centers like MWC, but of course no plan on how to do that or fund that, Godfrey figured out how to get rid of the MWC does Dean really think there are more community centers in our future?; he is okay with outsourcing MOGC, nope, let's get the finances corrected first; he stated we need a grocery store in central Ogden (no argument there, since IGA left it is needed, but then again IGA was pretty scary in itself); he also thought sharing the Council's meeting packet with the community was a good idea - he's wrong there, clueless idea.
In the first debate so much time was spent on MOGC and Windsor Hotel people forgot that many of us living in central Ogden have other issues - like keeping our streets safe and getting rid of the stinking gangs and drug deals happening all too often.
Some of you are busy trying to save a park and we are trying to save our neighborhoods.

Loves Ogden said...

What realtor with two cents to rub together isn't purchasing as much real estate as possible right now? I guess David Phipps isn't bringing much business to Ogden after all - despite his repeated public comments and grandstanding.

Here's what I posted at the Standard.

Lack of PERSONAL economic commitment to Ogden

Mr. Phipps, who works in Real Estate, is undoubtedly aware that never in the history of our country has there been a better time to buy a home. Interest rates are rock bottom and the federal government is offering $8,000 in free cash to homebuyers. The state also offered $4,000 in free money this summer. That’s $12,000 in free money. It wouldn’t take much more for even a young family starting out to purchase a home in Ogden with those incentives.

Based on his lack of action to purchase a home or operate his business from Ogden (from what I understand he is based out of Layton which is not even in the county) he’s either fairly unsuccessful at “the business of bringing business to Ogden” and is financially unable to purchase a home, or isn’t personally interested enough to commit to a long-term investment in the community and is looking at the city council position as a resume stepping stone a means to bring personal gain to his private endeavors based on holding a public service position with political influence. A rental with an option to purchase isn’t a commitment. It’s hedging bets.

If he worked in a different profession, I’d be less leery about his failure to make a PERSONAL economic commitment – but when in anyone’s lifetime will we ever see a better opportunity to purchase a home.

I was completely unimpressed with him at the debate. That doesn’t mean he wasn’t very articulate. Being a smooth talker with well-rehearsed answers doesn’t mean he answered questions. He wasn’t a straight talker. When asked how long he has lived in Ogden, he refused to say during a several minute speech. It was only after he finished and someone said “You didn’t answer the question” that he admitted to only living in Ogden (and Weber County) for one year. Just because you talked the longest, doesn’t mean you discussed anything with real content.

disgusted said...

thought it might be relevent to discusions about the election in that the course has been a focal point in the debates. so i tried to connect to your link to the "Mount Ogden Golf Course Redevelopment Proposal" story on the se and it appears the se has pulled the access to the story. guess we now know what out local paper feels about transparency.

rudi do you have an archived copy anywhere on the golf course proposal provided to the city council by the mayors hand picked committee.

Dorrene Jeske said...

Disgusted,

I have the sub-committee's report to the Council and Mayor with an outline of suggested projects and their estimated costs. A very thorough and interesting report, as it also contains minutes of the meetings of the main committee where the Mayor attended and told them what he wanted them to propose. It also contains Kent Peterson's letter to the members of the committee stating that he had asked Mr. Hoyal Sorenson to resign from the committee, but he didn't agree with what the Mayor wanted.

Contact me at jeske4ogden@comcast.net and I'll see you get a copy. It's a real eye opener.

Dorrene Jeske said...

Oops! Meant to say "because" not "but" Hoyal didn't agree with what the Mayor wanted.

Guess who said...

Election decisions made eassy.

Just look at the size, print, and whether they have expensive extras like a picture on the obnoxious street/yard signs.

Then vote for those who have the small and inexpensive ones.

The big flashy ones are Realtors and therefore those who have sold their loyalties to the Utah Association of Realtors. The Association has and is sponsoring these candidates and paying for their signs, brochures, mailings, and political assistance/counseling after they have passed interviews with the Association (Michael Ostermiller and crowd). And thus these candidates will lie, cheat and steal from you in a heart beat and support Godfrey in his unscrupulous and nefarious endeavors.

Take back Ogden municipal government by working to deny more Realtor sponsored sycophants.

rose said...

I am familiar with the rental market in Ogden. Most all signs I see for Phipps are on rental properties, managed by various companies.

Machman said...

Correct me if I am wrong, but Phipps is from Layton, a Realtor and probably an Ostermiller (N. Utah Assoc. of Realtors President who also lives in Layton) suck up.

He and Haines are UAR plants at a minimum.

I might be wrong but don't think so. This is how they (the UAR) operates at every level by admission inadvertently, by their leader, Chris Kyler, CEO, CFO, Exe. Pres. etc.

hurts said...

A little girl who got touched called him stinky, just a FYI.

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