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| Mark Who? |
No, I AM one of those bloated, overweening, over-paid bureaucrats! In fact, you might say I’m at the very top of the big, steaming pile!
Let me introduce myself. My name is Not Mark Johnson or N. Mark Johnson for short. I’m Ogden City’s Chief Administrative Officer or CAO.
I’m not the mayor, the fire chief, the police chief, the city council, or any of those small fry. I’m all those peoples’ BOSS! Elections may come and go, but whoever wins, all the other birds sit underneath ME in the pigeon coop! In fact, I just CANNED the airport manager in favor of MY long-time, triple-dipping CRONY! That’s my idea of smooth operation: YES-MEN! Now it’s YOUR TURN to keep smooth operation in Ogden. If you vote for MY people, I won’t have to SPUR anybody into obedient compliance with my edicts! The people I suggest below are ALREADY TRAINED to do what I want!
Kick In, You Suckers! HAHAHAHA!
But first, if you have any friends in surrounding cities, you know that Ogden City water bills have been jacked up so high, they SOAR above the rest! Maybe you’ve wondered why? Well, it turns out that for every $1 of water money that comes in, 17¢ comes straight to the general fund, i.e. to ME! You know how hard it is to raise TAXES around here? Well, who needs all that STRESS! I just get the elected nitwits to raise the WATER BILLS and I get 17% of that extra money, and NOBODY complains!
A few years ago, we put in a new water tank at the top of 36th Street that is FIVE TIMES as big as the STATE ENGINEERING standards said we needed. Why so big? Because I got, and continue to get, 17% of all that WASTEFUL SPENDING!
And take my LATEST SCHEME! We got the city to BORROW $20 million we didn’t even NEED in the water fund! Then, we put the money RIGHT BACK into the BANK, along with the $30 million that was ALREADY THERE! Next, we raised water bills to pay the INTEREST! Right off, I get 17% of those higher water bills! Then, we paid hundreds of thousands of dollars in fees to the bankers and consultants who came up with this SCAM!
And that’s not even the BEST PART! Once the new city council gets seated, we’ll wait a little while, and go “HEY! Guess WHAT! We just DISCOVERED $50 million in the BANK that we must have SAVED due to our incredible EFFICIENCY!! So how about we use that money for some NEW PUBLIC BUILDING we NEED! It’ll be like getting the new public building for FREE! You can tell all your VOTERS how GOOD of a job you are doing!”
HAHAHAHAHA!!! The city council will be bleeding you people dry and kissing both sides of my butt for making them look so good! It’s easy as PIE I tell ya! Easy as PIE! HAHAHAHAHA!
Ok, I had to stop and take a pill. My doctor told me not to get so hyperventilated at work. Ok, take a breath, N. Mark. Take a breath. That’s better. Well, here are my recommendations.
At Large Seat B
VOTE FOR! Bart Blair
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| Bart Blair |
HAHAHAHA! Yeah, RIGHT! Actually, I got him that job MYSELF! You see, Bart came to office a young, naïve little boy, and I turned him into the rapidly-aging, reflexive BUTT KISS that he is today! This guy NEVER votes against the bureaucrats. He’s been raising your water bills the whole time he’s been in office!! Vote this guy back in!!!!
VOTE AGAINST! Courtney White
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| Courtney White |
Taking a page from the former mayor’s playbook, do you really think more Mexican markets, gangs and graffiti is what this city needs! Come on! Get serious!
But if that’s not bad enough, this guy is a free enterprise NUT! He DOESN’T LIKE the millions of dollars this city hands out to our FAVORED CRONIES each year! Courtney believes in imaginary, non-existent things, like unicorns, elves, and the free market in Ogden! He’s against all our corporate welfare and payoffs, and wants to CLEAN it all UP! One of my golfing cronies said he doesn’t have a problem with having a Mexican CLEAN something UP, but NOT like THIS!! Hey, this election, do ME a favor and make sure COURTNEY WHITE’S political career is ALL WASHED UP!
Wards 1 & 3
VOTE FOR! Neil Garner and Doug Stephens
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| Garner & Stephens |
These are your INCUMBENTS! They’ve been raising your water bills reliably. And you people on secondary water – they voted in a scheme to JACK your rates EVEN HIGHER than EVERYONE ELSE!
Yeah!!! Both of these guys came into office as intellectual lightweights. And now, if you’ve ever met them, you know that after years in office they are so addled they can hardly chew gum. But they have enough function left to nod “yes” when the vote comes. YES!! YES!!! Reward these men for jacking up your water bills and making me a happy man!! Re-elect them!!!
VOTE AGAINST! Pamela Stevens and Turner Bitton
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| Stevens & Bitton |
For Pete’s sake DON’T vote for people who are THAT IRRESPONSIBLE! I know what the city needs, not YOU! Please, please, please DON’T vote for these people!
At Large Seat A
PICK ONE YOURSELF! Marsha White or Stephen Thompson
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| White & Thompson |
But I do know that Marsha White has gotten a truckload of money from the REALTOR association, some of our most reliable CRONIES! So judge THAT for yourself!
In conclusion, remember that I make at least 3 times the median income of the rest of you SUCKERS not counting all my PERKS! So I’m smarter than you, and I KNOW what YOU NEED! Remember, vote YES for ever-increasing rates and fees! Vote YES for Ogden City, by voting for MY candidates on NOVEMBER 5th!
Update 10/25/13 8:00 a.m.: I cracked the whip at my gnomes and they FINALLY did a little research on those two nobodys running for At Large Seat A (soon to be vacated by that dimwit Susie who sounded kinda scary when she campaigned but has ended up being putty in my hands). What the gnomes discovered is this...
Marcia White used to be on the board of a liberal terrorist organization called Equality Utah that wants EQUAL RIGHTS for all the LGBT folks. Now personally I don't care one way or the other about the queers but I get queasy when I think of council members who might have their own agenda -- any agenda!
Anyhow, I can probably live with White's agenda but NOT with Stephen Thompson's agenda which is WORKER'S RIGHTS!!! He's a former FIREFIGHTER, for cryin' out loud! That means he'll want more pay and decent working conditions for ALL the firefighters, and undoubtedly the cops too, and maybe even the garbage collectors and ditch diggers and office clerks. And MORE dough for all those dumb city slaves means LESS dough for me and my loyal bureaucrats! Not to mention the developers and construction contractors and real estate speculators who are always SO VERY NICE to me whenever they come up to my office and we close the door and share our mutual appreciation.
SO, kids: DON'T vote for Stephen Thompson! Hold your nose if necessary and just vote for Marcia White, whose last name stands for keeping the money where it belongs, in the hands of us WHITE COLLAR bureaucrats!
13 comments:
Here's a summary I extracted from the Ogden City Elections page of which candidates have taken contributions from the Northern Wasatch Association of Realtors:
Ward 1:
Neil Garner - $1500
Pamela Stephens - none
Ward 3:
Turner Bitton - none
Doug Stephens - $1500 (plus Matt Godfrey gave him $100)
At Large Seat A:
Stephen Thompson - none
Marcia White - $1500
At Large Seat B:
Bart Blair - none
Courtney White - none
Blue Sky, It sounds like your list coincides perfectly with the parody above. Marcia White in particular, has pulled in numerous high-dollar individual contributions, some at $1000 from individuals. It's disturbing in a local election to have that kind of money flying around, and it makes me wonder what these people will expect for those dollars.
The fact that Stephens and Garner have all taken money from the Realtor lobby is no surprise. These people care nothing for the public. And one of them is a borderline retard.
You left out some vital information about the people seeking election to the city council. Were any of the people selected through the neighborhood caucus process? There have been many posts on the WCF extolling the virtue of neighborhood caucus. i would hesitate to vote without knowing yhey were chosen for me by caucus participants. We cannot go electing people without them being vetted by dedicated people who do the hard thinking part for us mere voters.
Wow, that has to be the finest headline article in all the years of the WCF....awesome run down Rudi!
I
would have loved it more, if you had made out the realtors as the only
reason to oppose someone and think they are all evil. It's just poor
poor demonizing. Certainly they have a vested interest in the city, just
as any of us do. Doug Stephens got the endorsement of the Sierra Club.
Does that redeem him? Turner got a large chuck of his money from out
of state. Does that disqualify him?
It's Danny Doolittle parody, James... an old tradition at Weber County Forum. Try to avoid getting your panties in a bunch, and learn to laugh a little bit. -Just a helpful hint from yer old pal, Rudi.
I loved it, don't get me wrong....
All credit goes to our ever-clever but infrequent WCF contributor Danny Doolittle, who could put humorists such as Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert outta business, if Donnie had a mind to quit his day-job.
That's better...
I don't know how many will get your sarcasm, but I sure appreciated it.
Oh, how I look forward to these every election year... Loved the opening paragraph for Courtney White. Doesn't top the one a few years ago with Dave Phipps(?) and the Mad Magazine guy's portrait side by side. Laughing in my head right now even still....
James,
I also received the endorsement of the Sierra Club. Please note that I have received exactly 2 contributions (please quote me) from out of state that I will happily stand behind. One of those organizations is one ostensibly an organization whose work you would support and whom, if the rumors are true, you will contact next year in your bid against Sen. Stuart Reid.
The second contribution (which will appear on my next disclosure) is from the Operating Engineers. I'd also like to note that the combined value of both of these donation is roughly 10% of what I've raised to date.
UPDATE!!!
I cracked the whip at my gnomes and they FINALLY did a little research on those two nobodys running for At Large Seat A (soon to be vacated by that dimwit Susie who sounded kinda scary when she campaigned but has ended up being putty in my hands). What the gnomes discovered is this...
Marcia White used to be on the board of a liberal terrorist organization called Equality Utah that wants EQUAL RIGHTS for all the LGBT folks. Now personally I don't care one way or the other about the queers but I get queasy when I think of council members who might have their own agenda -- any agenda!
Anyhow, I can probably live with White's agenda but NOT with Stephen Thompson's agenda which is WORKER'S RIGHTS!!! He's a former FIREFIGHTER, for cryin' out loud! That means he'll want more pay and decent working conditions for ALL the firefighters, and undoubtedly the cops too, and maybe even the garbage collectors and ditch diggers and office clerks. And MORE dough for all those dumb city slaves means LESS dough for me and my loyal bureaucrats! Not to mention the developers and construction contractors and real estate speculators who are always SO VERY NICE to me whenever they come up to my office and we close the door and share our mutual appreciation.
SO, kids: DON'T vote for Stephen Thompson! Hold your nose if necessary and just vote for Marcia White, whose last name stands for keeping the money where it belongs, in the hands of us WHITE COLLAR bureaucrats!
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