Weber County Forum Special Guest Commentary
Giving a voice to Northern Utah’s diverse community
I know all the “Godfrey Voters” are out there waiting for our mayor to write in and tell them who to vote for. Well, since Godfrey dropped out this year, our ruling elite decided to get somebody a little smarter to do the job, namely me.
Let me introduce myself: My name is Chester Hop-a-long, and I have only recently assumed the stool of leadership of Ogden’s oligarch elite, known as the Government Business Partnership, or GBP.
For 12 years, we, your leaders, have suckled at the taxpayer teat provided so willingly and energetically by our beloved benefactor, the otherwise incompetent Matthew Godfrey. But with the coming election, this teat could be yanked away, just like my mother’s was all those years ago. So yes, if I look serious and sound crabby, it’s because I am. Yet, we must find a way to survive this brush fire. This election is for all the coconuts, so let’s all grab a vine, and swing right into the candidates. There are a lot of them, so we’ll have to pick through a lot of fur to find the best nits this year.
Jonny “The Bureaucrat” Ballard
If you don’t understand what “tax increment” is, let me explain it to you. Let’s say you fix up a property. After that, you pay more property tax on it, right? Now let’s say, I fix up a property. What the city does in MY case, is they add up how much my extra property tax will be for the next 20 years. Then they borrow the full amount from a bank, and GIVE the money to ME! Instead of going to the city, county, and schools, all that tax money for 20 years goes straight into MY pocket UP FRONT! Sweet! Even better, these insider deals generate money for city bureaucrats who grease the whole thing up so the public will swallow it! Now guess who one of those bureaucrats is! That’s right, Jonny “The Bureaucrat” Ballard. Hey, listen to this guy describe tax increment sometime, and he’ll make you think it’s as wholesome as HE LOOKS! This guy is smooth, and slicker than 10 miles of black ice! You want to make me happy? Vote for this guy! Make my day! Then check out his website. If you can decipher what this guy stands for, give my tail a little yank and let me know. He’s a platitude machine. And check out the Burt Reynolds impersonation he does all the time. It’s awesome!
Mike “Committee” Caldwell
Mike looks like the “chairman of the board”, doesn’t he? And he’s a dead ringer for this drill sergeant, huh? “Committee Caldwell” is very smooth, except when somebody tries to pin him down on issues, which makes him uncomfortable. But the naysayers did just that at a recent debate, making him answer yes/no questions. A lot of them didn’t like his answers too much. But since nobody on this blog will vote for him anyway, I might as well let the cat out of the bag. “Committee Caldwell” is our stealth candidate this year. Check it out. He’s on practically every crony committee in the city (thus his nickname) and he likes tax increment financing. And he works for the county. Go to his website and you’ll see another list of non-specific feel good platitudes written by our cronies. Then ask yourself whether he’ll be listening to YOUR input, or whether being on all those committees with my cronies, he’ll be listening to OURS. You want input? I don’t NEED no stinking input!
Jason “Elmer” Goddard
Let’s be honest. Is this guy a “Jason”, or is he an “Elmer”? Am I right? Next time you see him, call him “Elmer” and see what he does.
And remember what I said about platitudes? Check out this guy’s website. His website is pure, distilled boredom, and long winded to boot. And check out how many of these geniuses want to fix “education” even thought the mayor has NOTHING TO DO with education. For instance, read this, from Elmer’s campaign page: “What about our schools? Isn’t that outside the realm of a mayor? Shouldn’t that be the responsibility of the School Board? Does not an educated workforce positively correlate with economic development? All three answers are ‘yes.’”
So far so good, right? Then Elmer says this, “The time has come to sit down with our educators to create a plan to elevate our schools.” There you have it. Elmer sounded clued in, then clued out, right in the same paragraph. This guy should debate HIMSELF more often! On the other hand, he’s also for tax increment. Hey, dummies! It looks like we got this race covered!
Neil “Jake” Hansen
Moviegoers will remember when Neil played Jake Blues, in the 70’s movie The Blues Brothers, under his stage name “John Belushi”. (Just kidding.) Seriously though, Neil was a state representative who introduced some popular, public-minded legislation before his constituents voted him out. And Neil has run for Ogden mayor more times than Oprah has gone on a new diet. And just like Oprah, it never works. Here’s to you, Neil. Good luck next time, and next, and next…..
Brandon “Mini Matt” Stephenson
Anybody else thinks Brandon looks like “George”, the neurotic loser from television’s Seinfeld? People say that to me about Brandon all the time. But that’s not important. What is important is that YOU MUST VOTE FOR BRANDON!
We call him “Mini Matt”, because in 12 years of Godfrey, Brandon has voted with him something like 99.9999% of the time. This guy is closer to Godfrey than Godfrey’s underwear. He’s like a balder, taller, dumber, less energetic version of our beloved mayor. And do stop by his website. The only thing he does to let on that he’s our guy, is to say he wants “partnering with business” – sweet, sweet words to my furry ears. It means taxpayers provide cash and take risk, while cronies lap up any profits. I love Mini Matt. I would personally get down and beg you to vote for this man if I was in front of you, which of course, I’m not.
John “CC” Thompson
You’ve theorized. You’ve wondered. And you’ve asked. Now you KNOW. Yes! Ogden is where Santa Claus lives in the off season! His friends call him Chris, as in Cringle, or just “CC” for short. But seriously, if you want to run for mayor, maybe look the part, maybe, I don’t know, cut off the 30 years of hair growth from when you first went into the cave? I’m sure he’s a great guy. Who needs to look like you’re running for mayor? Just pay the 25 bucks and put your name in, right? But do talk to him sometime. He wants to leave all decision making up to the city council. Here’s an idea “CC” – how about if we leave the decision making up to somebody else, by just electing somebody else?
Susie “Sunburn” VanHooser
And now, without further ado, we get to the first of the “Vans”, with Susan VanHooser. I will make very little commentary on this appalling woman. I merely quote, verbatim, from her website. “We must protect our open space and I will not encourage additional housing projects in our foothills. In fact I will oppose any. This open space has been a major reason we are the gateway to Wasatch Front. It is a major economic draw and I think working with foundations and others, it is in the best interest of the city to ensure this area is purchased from private landowners and preserved through some trust or foundation.” And then this, “Our most successful downtown business core however, is built around 25th and Union Station! We didn’t need a lot of tax dollars to make this area work and local business paid for most of it. The rest came from a special improvement district.”
Let me ask a question: So then how can we develop our economy if she won’t let us rape the mountains, or the taxpayers??? So then who, exactly, CAN we rape? Hmmmm? No answer? Is that crickets I hear chirping? If this woman won’t rape the land or the taxpayers, it’s “game over” for us cronies. She talks about “foundations”. Who does she think is the “foundation” of our economy? Godfrey knew. Everyone knows. The crony network is the foundation!! WE ARE the foundation! If this woman will stop us from raping, then SHE must be stopped! And one more vital point: The woman clearly has a sunburn in this picture. Do you really want someone with a sunburn as mayor? I didn’t think so.
Steven “Stevie V” Van Wagoner
What need I say about this guy? Go to his campaign site and read some of it. He hangs himself. Again, I need only quote, “It is time to stop government competition with locally owned businesses. Our city must end participation in countless projects where we have no business spending tax dollars or focusing government efforts. Our city must stop the practices adopted as of recent of being the Real Estate Agent, Land Developer, and guarantor of leases and loans for private businesses to take risk at the expense of the community. No government at any level has ever been successful at picking winners and losers in a free market system. Artificial economic growth is neither smart nor sustainable. We need to let our free market take the natural course where the winners will be rewarded based on good old fashioned hard work and not an association to certain clicks (sic).”
I was flinging my own feces around in my cage for a full 15 minutes when I read that paragraph. How do you expect me, and my cronies on the GBP, to thrive if we have to compete in a free market? And if we don’t survive, where will you find your natural born leaders? On the other hand, if you ask Stevie V in person, it turns out he’s actually FOR a lot of government projects. In fact, most of his positions, if you ask him, involve the government spending more and doing more. We are confident this wet-behind-the-ears mayoral wannabe – Stevie V – will do what he’s told, if the time comes. Hey that’s catchy: “Stevie V – mayor wannabe.” I’m a genius.
In Summary
Just remember one thing: I’m telling you to vote for Brandon Stephenson! If not him, then go with Jonny Ballard. Hey, I may be rich, but I gotta keep my gravy train running, you know? Either of these guys will take your open space and your tax dollars, funnel both to me and my cronies, and make me feel as good as I do after a Sunday afternoon tick shampoo and blow dry. Ahhhh …. so gooood.
And now I see one of my girls is coming in to comb me, so I don’t have time to talk about the city council candidates except to say this: whatever you do, don’t vote for Jennifer Neil or Amy Wicks. These are independent minded people, just what I don’t need. And now, dear friends, they’ve changed the paper in my cage and so I think I’ll take a little nap. The primary is September 13, 2011. Get out and vote, you naysayers. And do as you’re told for once, okay?
