Providing a voice to Ogden City government fat cats
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Mark Who? |
Hi there everybody! I’m one of those people you’ve probably NEVER heard of. Now, I’m NOT one of the little people who work hard, pay taxes, and basically struggle under the bloated weight of overweening, overpaid bureaucracy.
No, I AM one of those bloated, overweening, over-paid bureaucrats! In fact, you might say I’m at the very top of the big, steaming pile!
Let me introduce myself. My name is Not Mark Johnson or N. Mark Johnson for short. I’m
Ogden City’s Chief Administrative Officer or CAO.
I’m not the mayor, the fire chief, the police chief, the city council, or any of those small fry. I’m all those peoples’ BOSS! Elections may come and go, but whoever wins, all the other birds sit underneath ME in the pigeon coop! In fact, I just CANNED the airport manager in favor of MY long-time, triple-dipping CRONY! That’s my idea of smooth operation: YES-MEN! Now it’s YOUR TURN to keep smooth operation in Ogden. If you vote for MY people, I won’t have to SPUR anybody into obedient compliance with my edicts! The people I suggest below are ALREADY TRAINED to do what I want!
Kick In, You Suckers! HAHAHAHA!
But first, if you have any friends in surrounding cities, you know that Ogden City water bills have been jacked up so high, they SOAR above the rest! Maybe you’ve wondered why? Well, it turns out that for every $1 of water money that comes in, 17¢ comes straight to the general fund, i.e. to ME! You know how hard it is to raise TAXES around here? Well, who needs all that STRESS! I just get the elected nitwits to raise the WATER BILLS and I get 17% of that extra money, and NOBODY complains!
A few years ago, we put in a new water tank at the top of 36th Street that is FIVE TIMES as big as the STATE ENGINEERING standards said we needed. Why so big? Because I got, and continue to get, 17% of all that WASTEFUL SPENDING!
And take my LATEST SCHEME! We got the city to BORROW $20 million we didn’t even NEED in the water fund! Then, we put the money RIGHT BACK into the BANK, along with the $30 million that was ALREADY THERE! Next, we raised water bills to pay the INTEREST! Right off, I get 17% of those higher water bills! Then, we paid hundreds of thousands of dollars in fees to the bankers and consultants who came up with this SCAM!
And that’s not even the BEST PART! Once the new city council gets seated, we’ll wait a little while, and go “HEY! Guess WHAT! We just DISCOVERED $50 million in the BANK that we must have SAVED due to our incredible EFFICIENCY!! So how about we use that money for some NEW PUBLIC BUILDING we NEED! It’ll be like getting the new public building for FREE! You can tell all your VOTERS how GOOD of a job you are doing!”
HAHAHAHAHA!!! The city council will be bleeding you people dry and kissing both sides of my butt for making them look so good! It’s easy as PIE I tell ya! Easy as PIE! HAHAHAHAHA!
Ok, I had to stop and take a pill. My doctor told me not to get so hyperventilated at work. Ok, take a breath, N. Mark. Take a breath. That’s better. Well, here are my recommendations.
At Large Seat B
VOTE FOR! Bart Blair
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Bart Blair |
Bart Blair came to office four years ago from the oil industry. Actually, he was a GAS STATION CLERK … at his DAD’S gas station! You can still buy your beer and cigarettes from him most weekdays at Blair’s Chevron here in town. It was this level of skill and experience that landed him the position he currently holds of Ogden City Council CHAIRMAN!
HAHAHAHA! Yeah, RIGHT! Actually, I got him that job MYSELF! You see, Bart came to office a young, naïve little boy, and I turned him into the rapidly-aging, reflexive BUTT KISS that he is today! This guy NEVER votes against the bureaucrats. He’s been raising your water bills the whole time he’s been in office!! Vote this guy back in!!!!
VOTE AGAINST! Courtney White
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Courtney White |
This candidate,
Courtney White, is the most blatant case of FALSE ADVERTISING I’ve ever SEEN! The guy’s name is WHITE, but he’s OBVIOUSLY a MEXICAN!
Taking a page from the former mayor’s playbook, do you really think more Mexican markets, gangs and graffiti is what this city needs! Come on! Get serious!
But if that’s not bad enough, this guy is a free enterprise NUT! He DOESN’T LIKE the millions of dollars this city hands out to our FAVORED CRONIES each year! Courtney believes in imaginary, non-existent things, like unicorns, elves, and the free market in Ogden! He’s against all our corporate welfare and payoffs, and wants to CLEAN it all UP! One of my golfing cronies said he doesn’t have a problem with having a Mexican CLEAN something UP, but NOT like THIS!! Hey, this election, do ME a favor and make sure COURTNEY WHITE’S political career is ALL WASHED UP!
Wards 1 & 3
VOTE FOR! Neil Garner and Doug Stephens
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Garner & Stephens |
These two fine men,
Neil Garner and
Doug Stephens, have been painstakingly trained to do what I want, and they ALWAYS do what I SAY!!
These are your INCUMBENTS! They’ve been raising your water bills reliably. And you people on secondary water – they voted in a scheme to JACK your rates EVEN HIGHER than EVERYONE ELSE!
Yeah!!! Both of these guys came into office as intellectual lightweights. And now, if you’ve ever met them, you know that after years in office they are so addled they can hardly chew gum. But they have enough function left to nod “yes” when the vote comes. YES!! YES!!! Reward these men for jacking up your water bills and making me a happy man!! Re-elect them!!!
VOTE AGAINST! Pamela Stevens and Turner Bitton
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Stevens & Bitton |
These people,
Pamela Stevens and
Turner Bitton, are new. They are down to earth. They listen. They want to serve the public good.
For Pete’s sake DON’T vote for people who are THAT IRRESPONSIBLE! I know what the city needs, not YOU! Please, please, please DON’T vote for these people!
At Large Seat A
PICK ONE YOURSELF! Marsha White or Stephen Thompson
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White & Thompson |
I haven’t had time for my city bureaucratic gnomes to find out about these people,
Marsha White or
Stephen Thompson, so I can’t say who will be the most dutifully servile to the needs of the CITY, and by that I mean servile to the needs of ME!!!!
But I do know that Marsha White has gotten a truckload of money from the REALTOR association, some of our most reliable CRONIES! So judge THAT for yourself!
In conclusion, remember that I make at least 3 times the median income of the rest of you SUCKERS not counting all my PERKS! So I’m smarter than you, and I KNOW what YOU NEED! Remember, vote YES for ever-increasing rates and fees! Vote YES for Ogden City, by voting for MY candidates on
NOVEMBER 5th!
Update 10/25/13 8:00 a.m.: I cracked the whip at my gnomes and they FINALLY did a little research on those two nobodys running for At Large Seat A (soon to be vacated by that dimwit Susie who sounded kinda scary when she campaigned but has ended up being putty in my hands). What the gnomes discovered is this...
Marcia White used to be on the board of a liberal terrorist organization called Equality Utah that wants EQUAL RIGHTS for all the LGBT folks. Now personally I don't care one way or the other about the queers but I get queasy when I think of council members who might have their own agenda -- any agenda!
Anyhow, I can probably live with White's agenda but NOT with Stephen Thompson's agenda which is WORKER'S RIGHTS!!! He's a former FIREFIGHTER, for cryin' out loud! That means he'll want more pay and decent working conditions for ALL the firefighters, and undoubtedly the cops too, and maybe even the garbage collectors and ditch diggers and office clerks. And MORE dough for all those dumb city slaves means LESS dough for me and my loyal bureaucrats! Not to mention the developers and construction contractors and real estate speculators who are always SO VERY NICE to me whenever they come up to my office and we close the door and share our mutual appreciation.
SO, kids: DON'T vote for Stephen Thompson! Hold your nose if necessary and just vote for Marcia White, whose last name stands for keeping the money where it belongs, in the hands of us WHITE COLLAR bureaucrats!