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There’s no point in me writing about whom you should vote for, for mayor, since it really doesn’t matter. Instead, let me tell you what you have to LOOK FORWARD TO.
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Well our plans for the EAST BENCH have been “in the drawer” for years waiting for the right mayor. Here is one of our computer generated models.
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But now that I’m through making you weep, weep dearly, for your future, what say we move on to my mayoral candidates?
Mike “No Streetcar” Caldwell
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Now you might wonder why “No Streetcar” Caldwell is such a big fan of Mayor Godfrey, and like Godfrey, he’s against the fixed-rail streetcar. You could ask why the city has money to build that new airport terminal, complete with a row of executive hangars and two restaurants, all of which are VACANT. You might be curious why the city can afford the Salomon Center that LOSES a pile of case each year. And then you might wonder why the city has money to build the Junction Building that has been vacant from day-one except for Wells Fargo that just moved across the street (leaving another building vacant). You could question why the cronies think the field house is a good idea even thought Godfrey’s own rigged numbers showed it will cost tens of millions and lose millions of dollars a year. AND YET, in spite all of this government spending, the cronies are strangely AGAINST the Streetcar, even thought the feds will pick up 75% of the tab. Why????
Well if you’d come out of your coma for a just a minute, you might notice that all of Godfrey-Caldwell’s commercial contractor campaign contributors build all kinds of buildings, (and we even put up gondola posts), but one thing we DON’T build is RAILROADS!! So why would we want the city (we call it the “piggy bank”) to spend what little money it has left on a fixed-rail Streetcar system that will do us cronies no good, when we can think up plenty of other BUILDINGS that the city can pay us to build?! Building a Streetcar system doesn’t make US any money, honey! So now, it finally makes sense to you, huh? Well welcome to the party! Glad you could finally show up!
Brandon “Star Power” Stephenson
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And as I mentioned before, Brandon looks a lot like Famous George, the loser from the TV show Seinfeld. Well, Brandon is behind in the polls by about 5 to 1. He’s looking to re-charge his campaign by emphasizing the resemblance. He’s come up with the eye-catching poster below. Hey whatever, Brandon. But for the 8 years Brandon has been on the city council, he’s done what Godfrey told him to do. And Godfrey did what we told him to do. Star Power Stephenson may look like a famous loser, but he’s OUR loser. We got NO PROBLEM with this guy. (He’s also against the Streetcar, if anybody cares.)
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But hey, there’s nothing to worry about, huh naysayers? You’re finally getting RID of GODFREY, right? Hahahahahaha!
City Council
As far as city council, you got these choices:
Reliable cronies to loot you for my greater good: Planning Commission toady Richard “PC” Hyer, and write in candidate Rick “Bulldoze the Trails” Saftsen
No chance to win: Stephen Thompson
Independent minded candidates, whom I hate, who will probably win: Amy Wicks and Jennifer Neil. (These people think about issues instead of doing as I tell them to. And they are the only people who will stand up for you against me and my mayoral cronies! So don’t vote for them!)
But I’m not worried. I’m gonna own the MAYOR either way!
And come to think of it, given my manipulative successes, what is this food I’m eating? It’s time for me to upgrade to Junglegold® brand monkey chow, and to get my cage set up with a carpeted floor instead of this lousy paper! And I want flowers around me in my cage from now on instead of these crummy leaves! And now, I give the following code words to my cronies, your community leaders in the GBP: Eeee Eeeee Eeeee! Oooo Ooooo Ooooo! Ah – Ah - Ah! All our toadies: Arise! Your ruling oligarchs have spoken! The great day of our power is almost here! And to the rest of you, I can only say: Hehehehehehe!